I've been struggling with depression for more than 4 years at this point and I've just started taking medication to help me cope with it. Luckily it's been working but I'm really starting to stress with the concept of being "better" or "normal". I know it's wrong to think like this, but I feel like depression is apart of who I am, like, apart of my personality, and when people think about me that's probably one of the first things they would think of. In the past, I've cut myself, stopped all communication with my friends, cried for days straight, not gone outside for weeks at a time and now that I'm starting to get better I have to start being a better person?

I feel like in a way depression could be comforting to me, kind of like an excuse to not do things (because I just would never have the motivation). Now that it's leaving I'm just a lazy piece of shit for no reason other than Im just trash.

I want to change, I want to be better, I never want to go back to feeling the ways that I did but I don't really want to feel better either. I'm scared to move on in my life but I have to be "perfect" otherwise everything wasn't worth it.

I've lost my will to live and I don't know what to do anymore.