So to start off, I’m 19 and my father mentally, verbally and emotionally abused me for three years straight, but there had been some abuse through my childhood that I(and my mother) weren’t aware of because I didn’t see it as abuse but rather that’s just how my father was(that’s how my mom thought too).

He’s 100% a narcissist and a very toxic person and I haven’t seen him in almost a year now, but I can’t get over the trauma I went through.

I knew what he was doing was abuse all those three years but a lot of what he said or did still took its toll on me and even caused a few health issues during that time and even way after cutting him out of my life.

I recognize what I went through was traumatic but also have the mindset that others go through something like that longer and for many more years or something even more traumatic, but I know I’m invading my own feelings and trauma if I keep thinking like that.

I want to heal but I can’t help but look at my past and regret so much. Like in different situations why didn’t I have no fear and defend myself and get over my fear of being yelled at, or why didn’t I stand my ground and not been swayed to say or think about what he wanted to hear or make me think.

It makes me so frustrated because even now that he’s out of my life, he really isn’t because he’s still controlling my thoughts and feelings in a way.

I know I definitely need a therapist but I really can’t afford that. And when I say I can’t afford it, I really mean I can’t. I don’t have any money saved up because I can’t work due to the health issues I have plus there’s COVID-19 so it’s harder to get jobs where I live. And my mom can’t pay because she’s in major debt due to her and my fathers divorce and has gone through 4 jobs just this year and we’re living off of food stamps and she even has trouble paying bills at times too(but she doesn’t know that I know that...)

I really want to heal and let go of the regret and I guess anger I have at myself and him, but truly have no idea how to let go of that, even though I just want to be happy and healed again.