Long rant that just needs to get off my chest.. TW in front of the paragraphs that require them 😓

Y’all my life went from being chaotic to finally getting some peace to now it’s being blown up in my face 🙃

Trigger for the next paragraph: abuse//

I was in an emotionally, physically, everyway you can think of abusive relationship for months. I tried to get out sooner but was told that if he can’t have me no one would and he would take us both to see our maker 🙄 and this wasn’t just any type of threat it was real, he was full on psychotic would throw me around any time I didn’t act like he was some god. He dislocated my jaw, broke my tooth, broke my collarbone, hacked my phone, raped me, I could go on and on. But I won’t .. anywho I took the opportunity one day at work while he was sleeping off his drug binge and called the cops and filed my restraining order and pressed charges.

Trigger warning for this paragraph: drug abuse

Finally some good news in my life. But it didn’t help the fact that the trauma I endured, was causing my life to fall apart. I isolated myself from everyone. The few people that I did tell about what was going on, completely seemed like I was the one causing trouble. Now that could just “be me being sensitive “ but like I’m serious when I say that my sister told me I was “paranoid” and “acting psycho” and “why didn’t you tell me I could have helped you now I can’t trust you and I don’t want to live with you anymore” blah blah blah. I just shut myself off at that point. I really only had her and a few other people that I talked to and I hadn’t seen them in so long. Its hard being friends with people when you’re in an abusive relationship. So I fell off the deep end.. I wanted to feel what was so great, that high that got my ex off to the point he would’ve killed me for it. So I met someone who did some dope, and bought a ball of meth, and binged on it for a month. Now at this point I AM psycho. I’m swaying back and forth. I’m humming to myself. I’m staying up all night for days in a row, to find myself feeling like I’m gonna die. I hit up a friend who I knew was in NA for meth abuse. So she came and picked me up. I wasn’t feeling good, she told me she could help me get my mind off things. She said her and her bf wanted to fuck. I did say no cuz I was just crazy pretty much. Didn’t want to do it. But I didn’t want to be alone that night and then they started getting all sexual and I’m high so of course we end up having a three some. Then over the course of the next few nights while I’m detoxing with them, we’re all fucking. Idk how I got in the situation, I was high, I wasn’t thinking right. But nothing I can change about it so I got to move past it right ?

So I start going to these NA meetings with her, and I’m uncomfortable, don’t know anyone, I’m like the youngest one there. But people are super nice and I start meeting people learning names and what not as I keep going. Then this famous term from NA/AA decides it wants me. The “13 steppers” not one, not two, not three, but 6 GUYS will not get off my dick. Making me isolate more. I get sick, I don’t go to the meetings for a week (strep throat) finally I go back to the meetings and there’s all this drama that I missed. And somehow, me the newcomer, is involved in it when i don’t even know the people who started it. Let’s just say a breakup happens with a couple and the guy is hella into me.. now let me get the record straight now.. I DO NOT WANT ANYTHING TO DO WITH ANY ROMANCE RIGHT NOW! I want to focus on myself and getting my life together. I don’t need some dumb guy and I’ve already made plenty of mistakes in the past few months and I was in an abusive relationship that I am not recovered from and is the WHOLE REASON I am in NA !

Fast forward to the next night, I’m with my friends from the group , and someone who knew about the 3some said it out loud to everyone there ! Like it was her business to share in the first place! Now I’m HELLA uncomfortable as multiple women made rude comments on it. It wasn’t like this is what I wanted, but it’s just how it is right now. And I’m trying so hard to keep going. To get better. But I feel like everywhere i go something happens 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭