I wanna cry...all the time.

The months of June & July have been an absolute roller coaster. Found out we were expecting on June 19th. Went for the first ultrasound and found out I was only measuring 5wks. Went back following week to hear the heart beat at 6wks two days it’s was low...80. But we were excited! Said the heart rate is normal to be lower and fluctuate so early we didn’t think anything of it. Go back a week later because I’m a diabetic and this pregnancy was high risk with my health issues. I went back at 6wks 2 days. The baby measured 6wks 2 days. Went back a week later at 7wks baby measured 6wks two days And the heart rate went down to 63. I was devastated then. 😭 I kept my hopes up I tried to eat well and make sure I was on top of my game. I had hope. We had faith. We had prayers. Everyone wanted this baby. We’ve been trying for 3 1/2 yrs to give our daughter and brother or sister. At 8 wks 2days I went for another ultrasound not thinking it would be my last. There was no heart beat and the baby didn’t grow past 6wks 2days. I had a D&C done as early as I could. I didn’t want the raging hormones to continue and wait for my body to miscarry on it’s own in a month or two. I wanted the quickest way to be done. Does this make me an awful person? I’m extremely sad and so mad about it. But then I also feel nothing. Is this normal? I cry when I’m alone and I’m strong in front of everyone else, or at least I’m trying to be. Is it normal to feel numb to emotion unless I’m crying? I recently found this out on Tuesday July 21st that I would miscarry. Had the D&C on Friday July 24th. I don’t do well with death. Family, people, animals. I run the opposite way when it happens. I didn’t wanna carry a dead baby. I wanted back to normal and grieve normal without the hormones. It was a short lived excitement that turned into the worst thing I’ve ever experienced😭