I am 32 years old ,married to my loving husband and TTC#1 since 5+yrs with PCOS.

I don't have anywhere else to share this other than here as this is eating me up.

When i was young , my body developed early and i remember specifically 3 people molesting me during those years. All 3 where my relatives. At that time i never knew what was happening to me and never believed it was wrong.

I was around 8 to 12yrs old and so innocent that thinking about those things now makes me soo sad and sometimes frustrated and sleepless with guilt.

SECOND ONE was my cousin from my fathers side. I was around 11-12yrs. We were a close family and used to visit each other all the time. One day as i was walking to the hall , he came from opposite and suddenly squeezed my breasts fully with both hands and passed by me as if nothing happened. And sometimes he used to touch my back and all which i never noticed since we were all kids playing. This incident made me cautious around him and soon our family moved away and lost contact with each other.

And we later met a few times as adults and he acted as if nothing happened and i moved on forgetting this. He is married now with 2 kids and on friendly terms with my husband. He lives far away and we rarely meets anymore , so i don't care much about it now.

THIRD ONE was my grandmothers brother. I was around 12-13yrs old. He used to come and visit my grandmother who was staying with us and stay the night few times. One day my parents where out and it was only me and my grandma in our house. He visited and while my grandma was in the kitchen i was in my room reading a book. He came to my room and sat next to me casually talking. I never suspected anything. Suddenly and forcefully he kissed my lips and touched my breasts few times until my grandma came. IT WAS MY FIRST KISS😭. I had slight swelling in my upper lip due to the force. I was shocked and he left soon after. I only met him few times after that and he passed away soon.

I never told anyone about this and learned to ignore the whole incident and move on with my life.

MY PROBLEM IS THE FOLLOWING....

My husband is very family orientated and loves everyone. He considers my family as his including extended. He is on friendly terms with all my relatives and they all love him very much.

FIRST ONE was when i was 8-10yrs old. It was my cousin from my mother's side.

As usual our families used to meet up always and we kids used to play all the time. He was 4 yrs older than me. One day both of our parents went shopping leaving kids with grandparents.

We were sitting around and playing cards.

He used to sit behind me saying its team play and always touch me inappropriately. Most of the time i get uncomfortable and i get up with an excuse to drink water or something else and he will sit down behind me again. I never knew what was happening ,just remember feeling uncomfortable. Other times i remember us travelling and he running his hands behind my bums and sometimes in my thighs.

Once it was sunset and all kids were walking towards home from a shop and he purposefully took us through a 'shortcut' to home, a dark and narrow road. Since he was older , we had to obey him. It was him, his younger brother who was around 5yrs,me and my younger sister around 6.

He groped me and touched my breasts few times and i remember feeling scared and uncomfortable that i ran towards the house. All these are the things that i remember specifically and don't even know whether there were others as i was too young and naive to understand.

Soon after i stopped going to their place with one excuse or other. Later we moved away and rarely had contact ever. So i forgot what happened and moved on.

2 decades passed.

So my problems began after my marriage, my mother's family decided to have a get together few years back. Everyone got acquainted with each other.

Since all my cousins liked my husband, they started inviting him to their "guys" outings and family meetings.

I was not much concerned since i had forgotten about all those past things since its been 20yrs.

And i loved that my family loved my husband. This cousin is married and has 2 daughters age 3 and 6. Through these family get togethers i am close with his wife. At first he was distant with me later on with frequent family meetings he started easing up. Maybe because he thought i forgot about the incident or he himself forgot about the incident.

Since last year my husband and this cousin joined a badminton sports club and our houses are only 15 min apart. They meet up almost daily in the sports club and hangout later.

I never imagined that this cousin and my husband will become this close friends.

Now they plan to start a business together and this is getting to me.

I have mentioned many times that i do not like him to my husband. Also i always try to avoid meeting them and family meetings reduced to phone calls only for the last few months due to covid lockdown.

We never talk to each other unless necessary or some casual chats.

He never once behaved inappropriately after reuniting.

And is very loyal and loving towards his wife and daughters.

He is very close to my husband now and yesterday we had an outing. And they were discussing the business idea and talking casually.

Here lockdown has been eased since last 3 weeks and this is the first time we meet up in months.

I believe people can change, and when i saw him genuinely caring for his kids, i am like did i imagine all those molesting incidents or they really happened...

I feel like i dont have a closure.

If they start a business together then our families will become even closer and the thought is making me uncomfortable.

My husband thinks of him as my brother and i can't tell him all these. He will be so shocked...

All these relationships would be ruined.

So i have decided to bottle everything forever.

Since i am a grown-up, my brain is telling me to ignore the past and move on...Sometimes i feel a little hollow and robbed but I am strong and i love my husband very much.

Sometimes i also wonder in the back of my mind that what if no one believes me...

That maybe i am jealous of their family due to my infertility...

Why am I, the only one stuck in the past?

I don't know... Its all complex feelings.

Its like i should really forget but i can't seem to.

I mostly forgot it for 20yrs but recent meetings have triggered those memories.

Telling someone is NOT an option for me as of now.

So i had to once again smile and talk to my molester.