Sexual assault and sex in a relationship...

(Trigger warning)

I was sexually assaulted at 10 and 12 years old and I fear sex in a relationship will be hard. I’m almost 20 now and I’m still a virgin because of what happened. I’ve been in a serious relationship before, but I wasn’t ready for sex then. I feel I’m ready now and I want to experience it... but it’s hard as a sexual assault survivor. I don’t want to bother anyone with my issues. I don’t want them dealing with an inexperienced partner because I’m afraid I’d just disappoint and that it would be such a turn off to have to help me. Yeah, I’ve looked these things up to help in the future, but sex is the sort of thing you need to get hands on with in order to really learn. Then I’d need to take extra time getting comfortable with my partner touching me and I don’t want to bother them with that either. I don’t want to put anyone through that.

Maybe I’ll just stay a virgin forever because it seems so fucking useless and unpleasant to have a physical relationship with me. I’d just feel bad for my partner.

I guess this is a bit of a rant as well, so not sure if it still belongs in this group.

Anyone else experience this? Why do I feel this way?