Ruminations

I don’t about everyone else, but when I start to PMS my self-hate tends to get a little out of control and man am I feeling it today. I couldn’t have a relationship until my mid 20’s due to the effects of trauma. I fell in love with a great guy and we’ve been together for about 2.5 years. I love him and being with him, but parts of me continue to hate myself and feel that I’m not a good enough match for my partner—that I’m playing out of my league. I know our sex life isn’t nearly as good as those he’s had with previous partners, and he tries to reassure me that what’s important is our connection rather than the sex. His friends have told him upon seeing my picture that he can do better. We broke up once after a year when I accused him of cheating (I take responsibility—I read into a picture and made a baseless accusation) and he told me that he should have listened to his friends who told him that he could do better. I lost a huge amount of weight before we met and I still have some extra skin on my arms and my thighs need some work. And sometimes I can’t help but cry because as much as I love him, I don’t feel good about myself being with him. A part of me always remembers his statement. Maybe it’s the PMS, as it usually is.