Helping a child. long story. Need advice

Hope this is the right group! First of all I know I’ve typed a book so I appreciate anyone who reads this!!! I would like to get input from other people! I hope all this makes sense. I

. I have this friend. I’ve been friends with her for about 6 years. When I met her 6 years ago she was very unstable. Meaning she just got clean off of meth, she didn’t have a steady place to live, and she would drink ALOT, she also messed around with multiple guys. She had so much wrong with her child hood so she was/is really messed up. At that time I found out she had a 1 year old son (let’s call him BOB) who she lost custody of due to drugs. Her aunt got custody of him. She talked about getting her life together because she really wanted to get him back.

-Two years ago, the aunt got in a car accident and passed away. The caretaker of the aunt who had custody of BOB ended up not wanting him or couldn’t take care of him. BOB ended up getting handed to her (mom) because of it. She didn’t even really fight to get him back. They basically drug tested her (she failed for weed) and then they handed Bob over to her. So basically BOB got put with his biological mom who he doesn’t even really know because she missed visitation every time she was suppose to see him (because the aunt who had custody of Bob pissed her off or she missed just because she didn’t have a vehicle to get there. She didn’t really want to see him i don’t think)

-Fast forward to now,she is settled down in a family members home (they let her stay in) with her boyfriend, her handicapped mother (dyslexic and brain fried due to drugs), and her child plus 4 more children that she’s had that are between the ages of 3 months and 5. Bob is 7 now.

-In the meantime of all of this my husband and I are constantly giving her advice, buying her kids Christmas, and throwing her kids birthday parties. We also let her come do little things for us to earn money because she’s always texting me telling me they can’t pay the bills. Last time she was here working she said she would not get fixed just because she might get baby fever again and her boyfriend might want more kids. I heard her boyfriend say numerous times he wants a football team. Which is fine if your taking care of every child that you are creating.

-Here are a few things that has happened in the past. Her “boyfriend” that’s living with her now. (She’s been with him for a couple years/ two of the children’s father) he will not get a job. He sleeps all day and she constantly makes excuses for him and says he’s a SAHD. He’s told the mom that his dream is to be a weed dealer. Really the brain fried dyslexic grandmother is doing everything she can for the kids.

This same grandmother who’s taking care of them is BOBS moms mom. this same grandmother lost custody of the mom and all her other kids. This same grandmother let a man rape the mom when she was 11 years old to pay for crack. In the grandmothers defense she is clean now. She don’t even smoke week.

- My husband has tried to get the boyfriend a job multiple times and he won’t take it.

- Last year she showed up at our house drunk. She ended up living with us for 3 months because the boyfriend wouldn’t get a job (he’s been the same since she’s been with him, but somehow she finally got fed up) The thing is, she left all the kids with him and her mother when she came. She stayed drunk all day everyday when she was with us.

- 3 months ago she gave birth to the littlest child (which is not the boyfriends but the boyfriend acts like the baby is his and don’t know the baby is not his) so she asked me to keep all the other kids while she was in the hospital. Keep in mind the boyfriend went home and left her at the hospital and still left all the kids over here instead of coming to get them when he was going home. DHR ended up having to come check on all those kids at my house because her gyno reported her for neglect because she had weed in her system with the new baby and she didn’t go to any doctors app while she was pregnant. Dhr looked in on them for maybe 5 minutes and didn’t ask them any questions. I could have been beating those kids and dhr wouldn’t of even known. . Dhr then showed up at the hospital. They eventually ended up clearing her and the baby.

FYI dhr has been involved numerous times because the little boys school called on her. Her family has also called on her. Her and the boyfriend has failed for weed numerous times. (And let me say I don’t have anything against weed) I have a problem with the fact of weed coming before what your kids need.

-We’ve gotten the little boy multiples times to come play with our kids (we have 4)

Now the little boy was just here and after a month his mom texted and asked could I bring him home because school started today. She said she forgot about it but she couldn’t come get him because she had class. Shes now in college and working so she don’t have to be home because she’s miserable at home. It breaks my heart to even let the little boy cone over because he casually tells me so many stories of things that shouldn’t be happening. He told me that the mom and boyfriend made him call them mom and dad. He said he gets in trouble if he don’t call them mom and dad. He’s basically a baby sitter and raising himself. They beat him with a belt if he does anything bad.

I couldn’t imagine letting my kids stay somewhere for a month. When he comes to our house he eats like he don’t know when he will get his next meal. He told us they are always out of food. The thing is she just asked did I know anyone who wanted to buy some food stamps so she would be able to pay her bills. They get $1000 in food stamps a month. The little boy is 7 and the size of a four year old. They send him over in size 8/10 clothes that are falling off or size 3 clothes that do not fit. And let’s not forget the fact I’ve given her clothes multiple times. He also brought his stained up dirty underwear to me in a bag (underwear that could fit my 2 year old) and he told me his friends dad bought the underwear for him and he asked could I wash them because they didn’t have time to wash them at home.

I can’t imagine sending my kids to someone’s house and them having to take their dirty underwear and ask other parents to wash them.

He has not been to a doctor or dentist since his mom has had custody of him.

- mom got her taxes and a stimulus check and bought the boyfriend a motorcycle and a bunch of other crap. he can’t even drive the motorcycle in public because he has warrants so he has no liscense, and he don’t have a motorcycle liscense.) keep in mind they didn’t have a vehicle when they bought the motorcycle. They have a little car now that mom drives back and forth to school and work. She also don’t have a liscense. She went to jail last year because she got pulled over with warrants and she still won’t pay them. And there’s no tag or insurance on the vehicle. So she will go to jail again if she gets pulled over.

-So when his mom texted me for him to come home because of school, he started crying and said he wanted to stay here forever. I told him don’t cry because he might not be able to come back if he does. I told him he could come back a different time. And he asked could he come when school is over. It broke my mama heart.

My question is, what would you do? I feel like dhr has failed him multiple times. The mom clearly only wants to be a mom when it’s convenient. She is my friend but she’s an awful mother. Last time she was here working to make some money she told me that he acts up all the time and he lies constantly. And she was thinking about sending him back to the caretaker of the aunt.

A while back she told me they were thinking about homeschooling him because the boyfriend is paranoid about the virus. But who’s going to teach him if she’s never home, and the boyfriend is always asleep not to mention the boyfriend dropped out before high school (because his alcoholic mother was “homeschooling” him)

When bob came over this last time he didn’t know how to bathe or wash his hair correctly. Along with not knowing how to brush his teethe. We were eating dinner last night (steak) and my husband was showing him how to cut his steak because he told us his mom do t allow him to touch knives. (He freaks out every time he sees a knife) I showed him how to hold a sharp object if he had to walk with one.

I’m mixed between calling DHR until they do something, slapping her and having a come to Jesus meeting with her, or just asking her can I have him. I don’t want to over step my boundaries. What if I ask and she don’t let him come back. Or they beat him because he told us some of what is going on at home. I told my husband I don’t think I can handle even letting him come over any more because he stays for month/months at a time and I feel like there’s nothing I can do about the situation. I also know I can’t save all the kids but if I can make a difference In just one kids life than I want to.

Edit to add

I want to come out and just ask her for him but like i said, what if they say no then just don’t let him come back. Or punish him because I asked. I feel like I need to call DHR but I also feel that a doctor and the school has called. So why would they do something if I called and not do anything when “professionals” call? She told me they cleared her case the last time. They’ve even been out to her house. But it seems like every single time dhr does show up they warn her first. That’s why I feel like they are failing the child.