How would you handle this?

Question

My almost 4 year old is participating in remote pre-k. Today he had half hour gym class and then was going to be done. He went on to have a full on screaming crying throw himself to the floor fit about doing it. I am glad I had muted the zoom class but they could still see him so I canceled the video. I told him that if he could not pull himself together he could go to bed and we were not going to see Mimi after like we had planned, which means also not surprising daddy on his lunch break, plus no playing with daddy’s LEGOs (he has to have a big boy day to do this). I told him that this is not one of those times where he can try again, once gym class is over it is over. His fit lasted from 8-8:45ish. He is still in his bed and just asked me if he could try again when I explained to him again that it wasn’t possible, he started actually crying out of sadness. It finally clicked that he messed up his whole day. I am normally one to fully follow through with consequences, and he knows this so he is heartbroken. He really wanted to go see Mimi because he made her a present and picked one out from the store too. We were also supposed to make her a card since her birthday is this week. Would I be a bad mommy if I continued to follow through with all the consequences or if I should give in and still go see Mimi? I am torn, because he needs to know this behavior is not acceptable, but I know he was really excited about giving Mimi her gift. Please help me out here! He normally never does this either.

Picture just because I love him!

Update: thanks everyone. When he got up from his nap we had a talk about what happened and why it is not acceptable. We had lunch then went on a walk and played outside. We talked about trying hard tomorrow to pay attention to his classes and do all the stuff we were supposed to do today. His Mimi was only available for a visit in the morning today and is off tomorrow. Either way I will not be taking away the Mimi visit tomorrow, like many of you said that was a bit much.

Picture just because I love him!
Update: thanks everyone. When he got up from his nap we had a talk about what happened and why it is not acceptable. We had lunch then went on a walk and played outside. We talked about trying hard tomorrow to pay attention to his classes and do all the stuff we were supposed to do today. His Mimi was only available for a visit in the morning today and is off tomorrow. Either way I will not be taking away the Mimi visit tomorrow, like many of you said that was a bit much.

Answer

It's going to be hard but I honestly think you have to stick with what you've said. You've got to be consistent so he knows what you say happens or doesn't happen. Or he's going to test you. See her another day.

Answer

Ugh, these types of lessons are so hard as a parent. 😞 I think the BEST thing to do in the long run is to stick to your word. Our kids need to know we’re not liars. 
Also, no criticism, just sharing from my experience with a 4 year old. Sometimes I realize my punishments don’t fit the crime. In frustrating I threaten something that’s a little too harsh for the situation. I’ve learned the hard way to be very intentional and incremental in what I threaten to take away, etc. Have grace and remember that this distance learning is new to the little ones and they’re struggling to figure it out too.
All that said, 3 is a hard age. If all else fails go with your instinct. You’re his mama and you know what’s best for him.

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My number one rule of working with or raising children: never make empty threats. The consequences are a little harsh for him simply acting as many 4 year olds do, but you need to follow through. Explain when he can see Mimi and give her the gift.

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I personally would just ask him to explain what he did wrong and how the behavior can change then continue on with plans.

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I feel you did the right thing. They really test you at this age and are learning so much. Feels like torture but hang in there. He’ll be amazing in the long run. 
The guilt just comes with being a mom. 
Continue teaching him there are other ways to express his boredom, exhaustion, or dislike that doesn’t require tantrums. 
I’ve been dealing with the same lately. The guilt wears off when you see it working 🙂💖

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Under normal circumstances sticking to what you say is usually the best way to go, but these are not normal circumstances. I don’t know about you but I’ve found that my little one is quite overwhelmed by remote learning and everything that is going on in the world at the moment and sometimes he lashes out and refuses to do the work, but he’s a little kid and he doesn’t understand all of this and I think it’s okay if some days he just can’t handle doing it. Obviously explaining that you can’t behave like that is one thing but it sounds like he’s feeling bad enough already without further punishment, the little ones need a little slack right now because their whole worlds have been flipped upside down.

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I'm afraid you need to follow through. This is a hard lesson learned for you as well. Never give a consequence that you are not prepared to follow through with. I personally make it a rule not to use people as punishment.

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You know your child best. If you think he got the point then give him a break . If you think that you giving in will continue the behavior stick to what you said. Ive got one who gets it and wouldn’t do it again . And I’ve got another who would completely take it as oh well I guess mom is a sucker so I’ll do it again type kid 😂

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I agree with being firm and sticking with a plan, but keeping a child from mimi is a bit harsh. I would have said no to visiting daddy at work and legos. A 4 year old knows how to push buttons, but these are not normal circumstances. Remote learning is so hard. A 4 year old cant be expected to be perfect for class 100% of the time. I’m not saying to be lenient, I guess I’m saying maybe lower the punishment a tad. A visual of what he needs to make it through the day may be helpful - like a star chart or something. You get a star for sitting at the computer, a star for answering the teachers questions, and a star for no tantrums. If you get 3 stars then you go see daddy. Each day the reward may be different. One day a visit to see daddy, the next a trip to the park. Discuss that morning so there’s no confusion. It’s what I did when I was a nanny and we had great success

Answer

IMHO, as a teacher and a parent to a toddler, I think this was a bit much. We offer our child consequences BUT the consequence you have laid the way for had a domino effect. He’s in pre K. He’s trying to do something like that online which for a little kid, he probably doesn’t understand how it’s much different than watching a show on a screen. (I’m a cyber teacher and KNOW kids are not handling this well all the time.) He was already upset about the class to begin with and then gave him three other consequences to suffer on top of that. I get why people are saying stick to your guns but I disagree and that’s just simply my opinion. Yes, stick to the one consequence but if it’s going to cause him to miss out on one thing after another, how is that right? He doesn’t understand nor can he process that if he doesn’t do this one thing and then one thing gets taken away, he’s also going to miss out on x y z. He’s too little for processing things this way...

How would you handle this?

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