Why am I Feeling This Way? (Long :/ but PLEASE READ)
So I am 16 years old (almost 17) and I am currently in a relationship.
First a little backstory:
My boyfriend and I began dating last year but after a couple of months we called it quits. Our relationship was way different from my past ones because although it was short it was really intense and there were A LOT of emotions. He wasn’t my longest relationship but I had grown so attached (which was really new for me because I am usually detached and not as affectionate when it comes to dating). The break up really affected me and after a couple months, I accepted the break up but it still did hurt. Fast forward a couple more months and he ends up messaging me and at first I did not think anything of it because he would occasionally message me after our break up to catch up and talk a little. But after a while he started telling me that he regretted the break up (he broke up with me) and that he genuinely believes that he might’ve fallen in love with me. So we ended up talking again but it took me a minute to fully want to try again. After a few more months, he asked me me to be his girlfriend again and things have been good since <——— Granted this was really recent like maybe just a month ago
I trust him a lot and he’s always been genuine with me. There’s never been an instance where I thought he was lying to me or that I felt that things weren’t working.
He’s really sexual and would always get ‘in the mood’ when we were together and we’ve done things like oral before but just no PIV insertion. So I had been preparing myself for weeks because I was under the impression that he wanted to do it and SOON. But but I am just so confused.
It’s like I feel so emotionally attached to him and I always want to be with him and he makes me so happy. Whenever I’m around him, I legitimately feel high and giggly and overall just great. So I know that my feelings for him are there and they are strong. But the idea of sex scares yet excites me. I am really attracted to him and it’s really easy for him to get me ‘in the mood’ too but the idea of it feels so intense and like a little too much.
So I opened up to him and asked him when he felt would be a good time to do it.
He told me that he actually felt like we should wait a long time before doing it because he felt like he wasn’t ready and that he was only really 50/50. He had also said that he felt it was too much as well (I didn’t mention that I felt this way yet so he had said this on his own). So you’re thinking I should feel relieved right?
For some reason I felt bummed out, and I feel so terrible for being a little disappointed. <——— this is why I’m so confused.
Deep down, I want to build a deeper connection to him and I want to take that next step but I know it might be way too early and he’s not ready for it anyways. Then there’s this whole overthinking problem where although he’s invested so much time into us and I doubt he’d just leave me like that- a part of me can’t help but worry that he might not want to have sex because I’m not the one he wants to do it with or that he doesn’t expect us to last.
But then there is a part of me that felt a little relief.
He even apologized for disappointing me and it broke my heart because I know it must be important to him since he is also a virgin. I assured him that it was okay and that I understood and everything between us continues to be great. He seemed glad that I took it well and this conversation might’ve even brought us closer.
Long story short- I am confused because part of me wanted to cry and feels a little bad that he said he wanted to wait, but I don’t think I am honestly that ready either. But there are so many bad thoughts that keep me up like:
Maybe he doesn’t want to have sex because he thinks I’ll get attached and he doesn’t want that because then it’ll be harder for him to leave me.
Maybe he doesn’t see me as the person he wants to lose his virginity to.
Maybe he thinks I’m not good enough to actually fully commit on a deeper level.
I know that these are not good things to think and I am notorious for doing this because I tend to overthink with every aspect of my life (I am currently working on it in therapy)
Relationships are confusing man.
My body and heart is screaming “I WANT YOU!” whenever I’m with him and I absolutely adore him. He’s my exact type (Looks and personality) and we fit so well. But I don’t know if I am so into the idea of sex with him because I love him and I just want to take a farther step into our relationship (I know love may be a little strong in you guys’ opinion because we are only teenagers and hey I might be wrong but we’ve gone through a good amount of trials and tribulations - actual trials not just “omg you didn’t message me hello this morning🥺” - and are closer than ever) or if I am just genuinely ready for sex.
I usually can just talk to him whenever I am confused or having some issues but I don’t want to make him feel bad for wanting to wait or I don’t want him to think that I am disappointed or annoyed with how he responded because that is definitely not the case, if anything I’m disappointed with myself for feeling this way.
Any feedback is welcome and I appreciate you guys taking the time to read this :)
Edit: The last time we spent time together in private was a couple weeks ago. We were in his room and got busy (which was initiated by him). He asked me for a blowjob and I gave it to him. Then things started getting a little intense and next thing I know we are both semi naked (my shirt was still on but my bottom area was completely bare and his pants were just below his penis so he technically still had his pants on) and he’s about to slide into me -
keep in mind that although I did give him a blowjob, he did not finish and he was sporting a boner for around 30 minutes before we had reached the point of almost insertion. Then a second before he was going to push in, he went soft. He couldn’t get it back up and he even asked me to help him get hard again which also did not work. We ended up just calling it a day and cuddling for the rest of the night but he had made a comment about how he was glad we didn’t have sex. I hope he was glad because he wasn’t ready and not because he just didn’t want to do it with me.
^^that was our most recent sexual encounter.