Feeling sooooo guilty 😩😖 (sensitive topics all around)

I am currently pregnant with baby #6.

I have lost 3 babies since my last birth. None were planned but it was all heartbreaking; 2 were miscarried, while my last was a termination of pregnancy. That was the most heartbreaking one for me. I would have been 25 weeks right now.

Well I am pregnant again, and while I’m very thankful I can’t help but be mad , a bit bothered at God because I prayed for me not to get pregnant as well as took my own measures to prevent that from happening.

While so many others are trying so hard to make their family grow I’m here with the green test gifts of all. Why aren’t I more happy ? Why do I feel like this ? I’m so scared that this baby will feel unwanted. I feel so bad trying to reason with myself and almost “convince “ myself to keep it.

I am obviously keeping this baby no questions asked. I believer there is a bigger purpose for my children than my self and I trust the end result ...I’m just so burdened with a feeling of despair and not joy.

I feel like a selfish bitch.

I’m just so scared of the whole process. I’m 32 and while I’m not old by any means my body certainly feels like it’s about to give out . I’m scared that I’m fucking up my spine with all those epidurals....I’m scared that it’s too much in my heart. I’m scared that my stomach is going to hurt like it aldehyde does because I have a weak belly now and it’s so painful to carry a baby now. 😭😭😭😭

I’m sorry if this post upset anyone I just needed to let it out. I have zero people to talk to .....