Almost one year later and still missing you

It was October 22nd, I was 9.5 weeks pregnant. It was my first pregnancy and everything was going right. Each week my symptoms got stronger and I felt good about the pregnancy. As my husband and I waited in the waiting room of my ob/gyn, the nurse called me back and took me to the ultrasound room. There was a large TV in front of us, so I could see everything the tech was seeing. Immediately I saw our baby, my heart was full because for so long I had doubts I was actually pregnant because it took so long to achieve.

I asked the tech if everything looked ok and she said she’d go over everything in a few minutes. This was my first ultrasound and I wasn’t sure what to look for but after a minute and silence, I felt my husband squeeze my hand because I think in that moment we both realized there should be some kind of movement. The tech confirmed shortly after there was no heartbeat and baby had a heartbeat at one time but passed in the seventh week. I was in denial and just waited for another minute for our baby to wiggle or get a better angle, but reality hit me and it is a blur from there.

I decided to jumpstart the process of passing our baby by taking the medication cytotec, but after a follow up ultrasound it showed I did not pass the tissue. Shortly after I had a D&C at 10 weeks. Unless you’ve been through it, it’s such a surreal moment when you leave the hospital with no baby. But it also felt so morbid knowingly carrying our dead child until I had my surgery. I had my D&C on October 30, and passed out Halloween candy to little ones while recovering.

I should have a five month old right now, all I have is a memory box and a daily reminder of what we don’t have. I struggled with postpartum depression for about three months due to the recent decline in hormones after surgery. I’ve had five total losses-missed miscarriage, blighted ovum, and three chemicals, and I’m not sure what the future holds but I pray we get to hold our rainbow baby someday.

I wanted to share my story during the month of October, pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. Unfortunately this topic is so taboo in the outside world, but if you are currently going through this or have, you are not alone ♥️

My memory box that holds my pregnancy journal, pregnancy test that made me a mommy, paint color for the nursery (emerald is Mays birthstone), flowers from my husband and my parents, and hospital bracelet from my D&C.