on partners & emotions

The father of my daughter had been so overjoyed when we found out on February 15th that i was pregnant. I wasn’t happy, more so overwhelmed & anxious than anything. Over time it settled for me & eventually i grew so attached to my baby that now, i will do anything to protect her.

I made a post previously about leaving South Carolina to come to Jersey because of my toxic situation with my mother.

In September, i left & came to Jersey. When i did, i was hit HARD with proof of my daughter’s father having cheated on me in December 2019, & in May 2020.

(side note; i left for SC in May so i could get my shit together for this baby & help our relationship work better, not knowing he was sleeping with my best friend’s little sister, who was also a little sister to me as well for over a decade. she knew what she was doing too, so it’s equal & both are guilty.)

I chose to work on forgiving him, not forgetting, for the sake of our daughter. I did not & still do not want to strip him of a relationship with her because the cheating was his doing to me, even though i have been carrying his child. I would never take away my daughters relationship with her father just because of a dispute between him & i.

I have been trying so hard to maintain a healthy relationship with him. It has been up & down more times than i want to admit. I have felt broken more times than i want to admit. I keep telling myself, “remember how this makes/is making you feel” in those moments. If i could explain in depth how fucked up this relationship has been, i would. If i could explain how much emotional trauma & toxicity i have endured most especially recently with him, i would. He said it himself, “You are the only one trying & i just got w your flow”.

The physical abuse picked back up again w my mother & i. I called an old friend asking for help & she drove to my house & took me away from that situation with mom. I have since been staying in her apartment with her, her expecting me to have the baby soon (im 2cm dilated and 38+5 today). The father of my daughter got mad & started cursing because he said i shouldnt have left & to just ignore my mom. He then asked to prove im with my friend & not with a random dude & when i handed her my phone, he completely disrespected her, when all she had said was “meghan doesnt need this stress, the baby doesnt need it, and you need to watch how you speak to the both of us.” So he hung up & has since made things very uncomfortable & difficult for me. Today i said “i love you” to him on the phone when he called me. Silence flooded his end. I asked “um you arent going to say it back?” He replied “I’ll text you later” & hung up. I called back a few minutes later. I said “please help me to understand what is going on & communicate so we can be on the same page. Why didnt you say you love me back? Do you not anymore? You can be honest with me, i deserve to know.” He said “stop pushing me to give you an answer. I have a headache ill talk to you later.” I said “& i have your daughter inside of me, my cervix gradually dilating as we speak, diarrhea & contractions & an unsettled stomach, back pain only a mother would know, & you wanna say you have a headache? I deserve the respect to get an answer from you on if you love me or not.” He said “I’ll talk later.” I said “you know what, enjoy your night. I’ll be taking a bath & regrouping my mental so please leave me alone.” I hang up. 20 minutes later, he texts me, assuming my friend will be in the bath with me, assuming im sleeping with my friend, telling me to “have a great ladies night”, etc. I said to leave me alone & talk to me when i can be spoken to with respect.

OKAY. SO.

The reason for me venting with some background information & making this poll ;

Does ANYONE here have a shitty baby daddy, and when your child was born, did they change their ways because they were affected by the immense pain they saw you go through to deliver their child? Did anyone’s baby daddy straighten up and grow the fuck up for the sake of their child? Did anyone’s baby daddy start treating you with respect after meeting their baby? Is it possible for a baby to make such an impact on their father to the point of where their father actually feels remorse for the shit they put Mama through? Does anyone know of a baby daddy who actually fixed their shit for the sake of Mama and baby?

I feel so confused and lost. Any comments help too, trust me, input and opinions really make an impact on me. i KNOW i should not be even accepting of his energy around me at ALL. I know. I know its toxic. Im not necessarily focused on having a romantic relationship with him right now. Its more of, can he possibly man up after seeing all the pain i am about to go through to bring our babygirl into this world, something he will never be able to provide for any female with. I am literally giving him the gift of life, and he’s throwing my feelings to the side as if i never meant shit to him. But is it possible that our babygirl will make him realize that Toxic isnt the way to go about shit? That Toxic isnt how a father should be to Mama when his baby is being kept alive by her and will one day come to him for help and guidance?

I dont know. Im just confused. This is all over the place, oh my lord. Basura, lo sé. Pero i just want some input from strangers/outsiders who owe me nothing and dont need to sugarcoat anything.

Thank you🤍