I really messed up

I made a huge mistake. I decided to get back together with my ex (whom I do love and have a child with) but I’m regretting it. I had a beautiful apartment lined up for my daughter and I and I cancelled it because he wanted me back and I wanted my family together. I felt this overwhelming sense of freedom not with him, but now that we are back together- I feel stuck again.

I have been moving stuff to his house slowly and I just am getting a huge gut feeling it’s a mistake. Him and I have been through a lot of very bad times and were very toxic together, but we wanted to try again (for the 3rd time). Nothing has happened yet, but I just have a bad feeling. I feel like I am going to lose myself again and I don’t know if I will survive a depression like I was in last time we were together.

I want my apartment, but I’ve already spent my deposit money and can’t move until December now. I feel terrible. I can’t breathe, what have I done? I want to be a good mom. I don’t want to feel trapped again. I don’t know what to do....