Tips for handling intentional crying in an almost 4y/o?

Question

He is driving me UP THE DAMN WALL WITH THIS!!!! I’m trying not to shame crying but also nip it. “It’s ok to cry when you’re sad or really need to cry but not for attention” and then ignoring it until he’s done. I’m having other aggression behavioral issues with him too and I just feel like a freaking failure of a mother and parent and like I never know the right thing to do. I also have a 13mo so I feel like that plays into some of it.
I need to seek out a behavioral therapist but still have to be handling this day to day so really appreciate any constructive advice.
Editing to add, I do ask him to take a breath and use his words but he will cry louder for attention and a very obnoxious intentional fake cry.

Answer

I have a bit of background in behavioral interventions and the very very basics is to figure out what purpose the behavior serves. It is almost always to either to get something they want or to avoid something they don’t want. You might already know what purpose the behavior serves, or you might think you know, but end up being wrong. Behavior therapists almost always start with observations to figure out the ABCs (antecedent, behavior, consequence). Start writing down when the behavior happens, what led up to the behavior, what the behavior is, and what the consequence was (not necessarily a negative, just what happened). You will likely start to see a pattern. Maybe the behavior usually happens after a particular event or at a particular time of day. Or, there is usually a reaction that follows the behavior. It is really hard to eliminate a behavior when you don’t know what purpose the behavior serves. You might actually be accidentally encouraging the behavior by fueling what he wants without realizing it. A good and easy example of this is attention seeking behavior. If you don’t realize it’s attention seeking and you keep addressing the behavior and paying attention to it and talking about, you’re actually giving the child what he is seeking with the behavior. Good luck! A behavior specialist can definitely provide much better explanations and supports.

Answer

What i do is put my daughter in her room on her bed and sit angled away from her at the door not looking at her and i tell her when she stops crying we can go play. I tell her its ok and there's nothing to be sad about and after about 5 min she's calm and ready to play. This happens roughly 3x/day. I will add though my daughter is speech delayed so she has a lot of frustration stemming from not being able to communicate her feelings effectively. If she's inconsolable and needs a distraction I do the same thing i previously mentioned but I sit and read a book out loud and it usually piques her interest after a few minutes and she quiets down to be able to hear. Kids are still learning to regulate huge emotions at that age so its important not to yell or be mean during these times. He's not doing it to annoy you most likely but because he has a lack of emotional control still. Deep breaths! You just have to stay calm.

Answer

We ask our 2.5 yr old what’s wrong and remind him to use words. If he keeps whining we ask him if he needs to go to bed. Usually that stops the whining and he speaks instead. If he keeps doing it, we put him in bed for a nap. We’ve only had to put him in bed a couple times and as soon a we walk out, he’s saying he’s done whining.

Answer

You are not a failure. When my 2.5 year old whines/cries I'll acknowledge him and ask him what's wrong. If he continues and doesn't answer I will not keep asking him. He can throw his tantrum and then be fine. It's so hard when kids act up but you are not a bad mother!!

Tips for handling intentional crying in an almost 4y/o?

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