Major regret.

So after my first baby 3.5 years ago, I got severe PPD, and suffered straight up until I gave birth to my second child, 5 months ago. I was miserable, continuously wanting to end my life. I didn’t want another child because I didn’t want to go through that again. But I also knew that I didn’t want my son to be an only child. In my heart, I knew I had to have another one. But I knew that was going to be it, Because I couldn’t take anymore pain and suffering. My daughter was breech since she was 20 weeks. She never flipped and I had to schedule a c section. I thought I would die on the table, maybe somewhat hoped I would.. but I decided to get my tubes tied so that I would keep the promise to myself that I wouldn’t have anymore. (Real quick, when my husband and I got together, I wanted a million kids. I come from a big family, and LOVE it) however, My brain did a complete 360 and I am finally out of the PPD. From day one, I knew it was different. What a different feeling to be able to bond with your child right after birth. (I wanted nothing to do with my son for the first little while). My psychiatrist and I are still working together, but I’ve now cut my medication dose in half! And we are on our way to weaning me off!

Now here’s my regret. I LOVE HAVING A BABY I AM ACTUALLY TAKING CARE OF. (I had to have help with my son, due to the fact that I was suicidal everyday and in the hospital for the good part of 3 months) And now I don’t think I’m done. And I’m sad. And my husband and I agreed on two anyway. But he was open for more kids in the future.. like when our kids are like 10.. but I didn’t want to ever feel the way I felt after my first born. But now I made such a huge decision and now I’m sad.

My husband isn’t sad. He’s so happy with our family. And so am I. I love kids to death! What a great feeling. But I know I probably could have had more.

But then. What if I get PPD with another child?? AHH! I’m confused and angry and sad.

And I know I only had my baby 5 months ago, but I want another one right now.

Picture of my whole world.