Eating

I’ve struggled with disordered eating for a few years now and every time I go over 115 pounds I freak out. I’m 24 and I’m 5’2 And I  acknowledge that it’s a perfectly good weight to be at but I can’t get past the fact that I like the way I look so much better when I’m at 110 but it’s a lot of work for me to keep it there, and ranging between 115 and 117 is so much easier for me, like I can eat freely and eat what I want and still wake up and be 115-117 pounds... but I felt so much better at 110-112. I know it’s a problem that I feel this way and I wish I didn’t but it is what it is, does anyone else ever feel like thi is?