Today is one of those days I’m just in my head about everything!!! Specifically my relationship...

I love him and i feel i put in all the effort...today, because other days, more specifically on my less depressed days i dont feel like our relationship is as one sided as it feels RIGHT NOW. I just have this urge to give it all up and end things.

Im over thinking, I’m letting my head spin round and round... more like convincing myself of all the reasons to let go and move on while also convincing myself that I’m just overthinking and going through my “phase” (what i call my not so happy days)

This happens sometimes, mainly when I’m alone... when i don’t have to plaster a fake euforia over my face. But before it felt like only a phase as i described the feeling above, depression only seems like a phase... or it used to.

To give more context we had a miscarriage in September, ever since i feel like a walking time bomb ready to explode at any given moment. I pretend...I’ve always had to, but now it seems harder and harder to keep the “phase” away. Little annoyances are magnified by 1000 and i constantly feel like i cant plaster happiness on my face. Before i was able to tell myself i was happy I’d believe it and as a result I’d be happy... now my brain has shut down to the idea of fake it till i make it. So I’m constantly in my “phase” and i overthink everything and make my phase slightly more cozy by the minute.

Ive been with my Boyfriend 51/2 years. Sometimes i think the time doesn’t matter since we are both very young...early 20’s, but other days it bugs me that it doesn’t seem he’s ever going to vomit to anything more than being just that...my boyfriend. My baby, wasn’t planned... at one point i felt an immense guilt because i felt “i was trapping him”eventually i knocked some sense into myself and realized it took 2 to tango... we didn’t plan it but we were going to have a baby, and we were happy. Obviously things took a turn to the worse, but even then it smelt to bring us closer, at first. As the time has passed loosing my child is what is pulling us further and further apart... because it feels as if he will never understand...

A month after losing my baby we were so close and i asked him to marry me. I was very specific about how i wanted to end the year off by marring “the love of my life”. He said he wants to get married but that its not something he sees us doing this year. I understand... at the same time i don’t, we’ve been together so long and sometimes it baffles me that he was ok with committing to co-parent/raise a child with me for 18+ years but doesn’t seem interested in marriage. I know I’m being very one sided and letting my “phase” take controle of my views but right now, while I’m sad, it seems like there’s always going to be one foot in and the other out with him. And i don’t see the whole point of us being with one another if he doesn’t want/think about moving the forward.

It’s not just that he said no to my marriage proposal that makes me think our relationship is stagnate. He makes little remarks here and there that make me feel hopeless in any future with him. His cousin once asked when we plan to be getting married since its been so long and he responded with “maybe, there’s no timeline, we will see” like wtf is that supposed to mean...maybe. The other day we were watching a show where a man is asking a women for her hand in marriage and she said no because he hadn’t asked her father and he said “that’s stupid” i told him that i would have said no as well even though i don’t think we need my fathers permission i do think its a cute moment where my dad and prospective husband can have a heart to heart and converse and he replied with “well I’m never going to do that that’s old stuff it the 21st century” (and yes its a bit hypocritical as i didnt ask his mother or father for his hand but at the same time even if i had i was told no) in the moment all i can think is damm then i guess we aren’t ever going to get married.

I don’t see him meeting me half way on my ideas. Sometimes, again mainly when in my “Phase” i feel like its his way or the high way. If he doesn’t like something it just wont be done end of story, no middle ground. Sometimes i feel like this is all one sided. I feel like i feel bigger feelings and want a bigger future than he will ever want.

But then again every time I’m with him the sadness goes away and the overthinking slows down, and now idk if I’m letting the sadness takeover and corrupt my mind or if this is my subconscious reality and i really do need to call it quits and move on.