I don’t even usually cuss but I am at my END. I do this alone. With my 3 almost 4 year old and 14month old. My older son has been an extremely challenging toddler since about 15months. I can’t go into EVERYTHING this would be insanely long. But from then until his brother, head butting, biting to the point of breaking skin, throwing, hitting, etc. But more recently, since his baby brother was born, he is intentionally aggressive toward his brother (he was this way toward me before, and still is, to both of us.) I feel like I have tried EVERYTHING UNDER THE SUN. And after repeated misbehavior (jumping on things, going behind the couch, intentionally going against what I said, several time outs, having to wrestle him to put his socks and shoes on, while just accepting that my 14mo is taking my hair out in the carrier on my back, etc) we get home and he grabs my NECK. This kids only around me, no crazy shows, barely watches tv and when he does it’s supervised, i don’t have any significant other let alone an abusive one, I don’t touch him aside from when Ive attempted spanking (yes, I’ve tried EVERYTHING— tried the peaceful parent methods and whole brain child, etc prior to resorting here) and occasionally for BIG offenses, he will get a spanking because honestly NOTHING FUCKING WORKS. I do redirection as much as possible, time outs most often, remove privileges, and at last resort I will spank (it’s only needed to happen on a handful of occasions, things that could literally kill his brother). I the moments when it gets really intense, I have had to step into my room and sit in front of the door because I have no idea what to do and get so overwhelmed myself that I need to calm down. And he just beats the door and screams, I say I’m overwhelmed and need a minute and will open the door when he takes three deep breaths. But then I feel bad for that too. I am alone. I have no one for support. When he’s not having a moment a lot of the time he’s a great kid and I can successfully redirect, but these moments man I feel like break me as a parent. No one to help come alongside on this. His dads not involved in the least (which is for the better). I am at my end. I’m not at all in a place to receive judgements, I’ve got enough of that for myself. I just DONT KNOW what to do and it’s been such a LONG Road it feels endless, I feel useless.

I NEED to look into behavioral therapy. I just know that’s a long process and I feel like a crap mom for not knowing how to help him or how to protect my younger son and when I lose my cool I feel even worse. It also fucking terrifies me that he was conceived out of a rape and part of me wonders if some of these behaviors could be genetic. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m putting it in my phone to call the ped for a referral tomorrow.