I wish I had a backbone.

I wish I could stand up for myself.

Maybe my feelings are invalid.

Either way, I am deeply hurt.

I know he would confront them. He was a very outspoken man.

He got me a ring.

It was an engagement ring.

Although we had been married before.

He said he wanted to tell me about it and go ahead and give it to me then because it felt we were already engaged since we discussed our plans for getting remarried.

It was the one I really wanted too.

It was a raw uncut diamond ring. You could see the imperfections on the outside, but we knew how beautiful and pure it was on the inside. Like our love. People knew our troubles in the past, but the love was there. And this time around, we never even argued. Disagreements? Sure, but we talked it out like adults instead what him and I used to do.

He said he wanted to give it to me, but also wanted to wait until our vacation because he wanted to present it in a way that involved my son. He had so much excitement in his eyes, and he was incredibly creative. I was excited too. So I told him, you know, I’m not going anywhere, I love you. I can wait. He said he put it on the banister, for me to remind him where he put it if he forgets, as he had a lot of stress going on.

He died a week later.

His family went through his belongings. They gave me a brand new shirt of his with the tags. He never even wore it. Obviously, I asked his family about the ring. They said they couldn’t find it. I was really down about it because I wanted to be his wife again. My future with him is gone and so is the part of me that died with him. I loved him. He was my soul mate. I felt it. I can’t feel that way twice in my life. But they told me, looked me dead in the eye, supposedly Christian people, told me they never found it.

That was Easter 2019.

Today, a relative of his told me that his brother found the ring, and gave it to his aunt and didn’t want me to have it. I have no idea why. And it hurts me so much. I loved my partner and he wouldn’t stand for this. I’m angry. I’m angry for him. And for my son too. My son has a laminated picture of my partner holding my son when he was a baby, and calls him dada. My partner said he’d say dada before mama. And he was right. I miss him so much. I would be happy just to hold and wear the ring for 5 minutes. Just to feel the connection with it if that makes sense.

Everyone I’ve talked to has told me to confront them about it, since I said yes, and that the ring was already mine. Problem is, the only proof I had was in texts, and a few months ago, my phone had got stuck on a loop during an update and I had to get it factory reset so I lost all our messages. 😞

I wish I could be with my husband. I keep blaming myself, and should have made him go to the ER but I was breastfeeding a 3 month old and running on 4 hours of sleep within 4 days. I dozed off. I shouldn’t have fallen asleep.