My spouse was killed in an armed robbery

I feel guilty for being alive when he’s not .

I feel guilty for wanting a connection with someone .

I feel guilty for wanting to be happy .

Whenever I feel a smile creep up or a laugh I instantly feel bad , like I’m not allowed to be happy anymore .

I’ve covered up my windows and over use sleeping pills . I’m terrified of being outside . My body physically hurts from being in bed too long . I keep replaying the night it happened on a fucking loop in my head

When does this feeling leave .. I can’t even breathe right anymore .