I have a lot of past trauma that I've spent years in therapy working through. My PTSD has fucked up a lot of things for me... Job opportunities, relationships.

I spent years being raped by my step father. It started at 5 and continued for 10 years. I can't have children because of it. Maybe thats a good thing because I'm so fucked up that I would probably be a terrible mom... My mom knew... But she didn't care. She was really poor after my biological dad left. We didn't have that much money when he was around either from what I heard. My step father had lots of money so as far as my mom was concerned he could do whatever he wanted to me... She told me I wasn't allowed to say anything. He came into my room when I was 15 and started to touch me again. An he held me down. I didn't know my brother had come home. I was told later he owed mom money and needed to pay her back. I didn't bother fighting my step father. Years of fighting never did me any good. I see my brother come in the room and he signs for me to be quiet. I can't remember what he had in his hand, but he hit my step father in the head with him. My step father fell over and got back up and they started fighting. Mr brother got him back on the ground and kept hitting him... amd hitting him... and hitting him. My mom jad coke down stairs at this point and was screaming. She called 911 on my brother. My mom yelled at me and started hitting me because I didn't stop it. I was in too much shock. My brother got arrested and my step father was taking to the hospital, but there was no point... He was dead... I testified and told the truth about everything my step father did to me. All that did was get me put in foster care and my brothers sentence changed. Instead of a second degree murder they went with a manslaughter charge and he got 12 years.

The second I turned 18 I moved in with an older boyfriend I had who lived out of state. I dont think I liked him... I think I just wanted to get out of where I lived. That relationship was abusive and I ended up homeless. I got in another relationship and got married... But my issues caused too many problems and we divorced a couple years later. I kept his name though... Mainly because I wanted to leave my past in the past. And a different last name helped with that. I've been in therapy and I noticed a sense of anxiety as 2021 came. I couldn't figure out why I was so panicky and I had the worst panic attack ever on New Years. I talked to my therapist on the phone about it and we tried to figure it out. Well my big brother is getting out this year. I want to contact him, but I wouldn't even know what to say. I hadn't spoken to him since he was sentenced. I have no family. Have no idea where my dad is. I believe he got out of jail 7 years ago and never heard from him. I'm pretty much dead to my mom and all my other family. He would be the only family I have.... And after everything and all these years I still don't know what to say. I feel like I just needed to get all of this off my chest because its been killing me... I knowI'll need to discuss it more with my therapist. I just hurt and I feel a lot of old wounds opening up..