When will I heal?

I found out that I was pregnant with twins back in late September. This was my first pregnancy. I never thought I could get pregnant anyways, I figured there was something clogged down there etc (just self diagnosing myself). But in fact, the strong test line in comparison to the faintest control line, would beg to differ. I felt everything at the same time; confusion, anxiety, happiness, shock, etc., but mainly those top four. I told my boyfriend and he was supportive and told me whatever my decision was that he would stand by my side no matter what. For weeks I couldn't absorb the fact that I was pregnant, let alone with twins. I learned that, ony mother's side, her mother AND father have twin history in both families. Just skipped a generation lol.

I had horrible nausea and vomiting until I was blessed with the generic antinausea medicine Diclegis. But I had just started my job that I'm currently at. Right now I'm a little more comfortable at doing my job, but a few months ago I was pulling my hair out and having meltdowns on the job almost every other day. I was learning a whole new career, with little to no resources or help after "training." I was throwing up at work and hardly eating because of how intense the job is (still not eating on the job btw). It's a very fast paced, physically and mentally demanding workplace.

I had just moved back into my mother's house after living arrangements with mutual friends of me and my boyfriend's didn't work out so well. He moved back in with his family too. We're trying to get a new car and our own place and save money and with everything else going on in our lives (dealing with a family member passing, 2020 in general, financial struggles, learning and adjusting to a new career, etc) I had to come to the decision that now just wasn't the time to bring in two babies.

How would I be able to provide for them? They wouldn't even have their own place to rest their heads down at. Nor a safe car to ride in. And to have double the finances when I have no finances at all is no good...I'm trying to make this light hearted, but this was the hardest most heartwrenching choice I had to make.

After the appointment, I was in a daze because of the anesthetic I was under. Its supposed to make one less aware of what's happening. The next day I busted into tears and couldn't stop ever since.. I started to regret my decision, I hated myself for a quick moment, I was envious of all the women I saw that were pregnant and had made their decision to keep it, my mind telling me 'that could've been you.'

I saw them a week before the appointment (due to an emergency stop at the Christian hospital near us)...I knew their due date.

It's hard to let go when you didn't want to in the first place. But I've been doing better recently. I had a meltdown the other day, it was random but it happened. Its been about 2 months since the procedure...every day with every eyelash I pull out, every 11:11 I see or even just sitting in my car at a red light, I wish up to the clouds to "please bring my babies back to me soon when I'm ready, I'll be ready soon. I just want my twins to come back to me please."

I don't mean to be so emotional and long about this...I'm just trying to push through day by day and remind myself of my valid reasons behind my choice. I know that this road I chose to go down is going to be hard, but the other would've been just as hard...I just wanna know if it gets better maybe. How will I feel when I get pregnant again? Can someone give me answers or advice please?(