I need strength to leave my toxic boyfriend. Please read. This hurts

I am writing this for accountability and advice so that I can leave my toxic boyfriend. Please read.

Hi there. Thank you for chiming in to the drama that is my life. I’ve decided it’s time for me to take me back. I’ve left him multiple times before- but I can’t do it anymore. I just need to write all this out so I can get the strength to leave and stay gone this time. I do want to put it out there that I do have responsibility in letting it get this bad, but I was blind.

Where do I begin? For starters- I met him shortly after him and his son’s mom broke up. He’s 9 years older than me. When we got together, they were still talking and he actually gave me an STD that he got from her. We got engaged 6 months after dating and I bought my own engagement ring. I’m talking went to the store, saw one I liked alone, and he told me to put it on my credit card and give it to him if I liked it. I was so stupid.

Once I got engaged to him, things got even worse. I was so “in love” though that I couldn’t see. He had me start taking care of his special needs son. I took him to school, switched off between the mom & dad, and picked him up from school if he got sent home early for bad behavior. My boyfriend started accusing me of cheating and I slowly stopped doing everything I loved. I didn’t go to the gym. I barely saw friends or family. I lost myself but I still loved him. I loved him so much I thought I could fix him. I always wanted to be a mom and he knew that. He moved us 1.5 hours from home and bought a house just in his name, then he got me pregnant. I landed an amazing job but he didn’t trust me so he put a tracker on my phone. One night we drank and I passed out (this was before getting pregnant but I found out afterwards) and he filmed himself r*ping me. I still fucking stayed.

I left once my daughter was 5 months old and he punched a hole in the wall. I pitied him after he got arrested and he promised so much change, that I forgave and went back again. Everything is always my fault and I always have to prove myself.

Now I’m back and he has since verbally abused me and put another hole in our door. He’s saying the only way he will be okay with me leaving to do anything is if I film myself having sex with another man so he can keep the video. He is so warped. My daughter is catching on and I have had enough. She’s 2 and says “daddy mad”. No. Not anymore. I am not going to have her think this is ok. I’m not going to let her see her mom ask a man if it’s okay to go see family or friends and have him say I need to be home at a certain time.

This is over. But I’m scared. I have poured my life into this man and it’s seemingly all for nothing (except for my daughter).

How can I ensure I stay away? Any advice is so appreciated and so so welcome ❤️