I went to the hospital a couple days ago on the recommendation of the doctor at the walk in clinic. I had very sharp abdominal pain, and he suggested I get an ultrasound done to check and see if my appendix was okay, because I had some symptoms. He said I was probably okay, but it might also be something else and it would be better to know what was wrong. I don’t like hospitals to begin with, but I went because part of me was scared maybe there was an issue with my reproductive system and I don’t want to risk having something wrong with that because my fiancé and I have discussed and look forward to having children someday.. I was admitted there in the morning, and they had me do a CT scan first, which was fine. But then they told me the results from the CT scan were hard to read because I’m “too skinny, so that makes my organs all squished together and it’s hard to see the appendix.” (That sounds like bullshit to me, this is how I’ve always been, all my organs should fit just fine in my body?) so I had to have the ultrasound anyways. Except I didn’t have it until 9pm. I was in the hospital all day with an IV shoved up my arm, not knowing what was wrong with me, and in extreme pain. They logged in my charts that they gave me painkiller but I never received it. Just saline water to keep me hydrated, and gravel (graval?) to help with the nausea.

When I finally had my ultrasound I was okay up until they did the internal ultrasound, and I thought I’d be fine with that because I’ve had one before and although it was uncomfortable it was fine.

This one wasn’t fine. The lady told me to let her know if she was pressing too hard and she’d ease off the pressure, but she never did and it hurt so much, I told her many times she was hurting me.

I broke down crying by the time I got back to the room because I was in so much pain and I felt so violated. It brought back some trauma I thought I had healed and moved on from, but I guess you can never really move on from something like that. The ultrasound results were also inconclusive as to what was wrong with me, but the doctor decided my appendix was fine at least so they sent me home. I woke up yesterday morning bruised pretty badly in my IV arm, and with some minor bruising around my vagina, and the inside is very tender and sore. There was no bleeding or spotting, but I feel so violated and dirty, and I broke down crying in the shower trying to make sense of it all. Fortunately the sharp pains have passed, but my pelvis is still sore from that intrusive ultrasound. I still don’t know what was actually wrong with me, so it just feels like I wasted my time being there and it wasn’t worth reopening up some old trauma. I still feel pretty broken up about it, and it’s making it hard to cope with my depression. I don’t ever want to go back to a hospital again. Not even if I’m dying, or to give birth to future children I might have.

Edit: hospital visits are free where I live, so I’m not financially ruined on this and I have no desire to sue. I don’t want anything more to do with hospitals, especially after this. I just feel so ashamed and violated, I feel gross and depressed and I kind of want to just disappear.

Edit 2: I cannot afford therapy. I’ve considered it but I am in no position to do so where I am in life. As much as hospital visits are free, therapy is very expensive. I’d like to, but I can’t. And as for speaking out against the hospital and what they did to me, they receive complaints for their poor conduct and mistreatment of patients all the time. I know, because they almost killed my father a decade ago when he had a heart attack, they overdosed him on morphine and set his heart monitor to silent. My mother made complaints, and even though so much time has passed, nothing has changed. If anything it’s gotten worse. Unfortunately it’s the only hospital in the area where I live, so take it or leave it I suppose...