I feel like a zombie

I no longer speak to my spouse. We no longer sleep in the same bed. No sex. No conversations. He’ll text me a positive message in the am on the days he works, but anything in person or after that is just hatefulness. If I ask for more attention or affection, he brings up the texts and says “he gives me enough, that I’m not trying”.

I’m sure he’s cheating but honestly, I don’t care. The idea of love no longer thrills me like it did when I was a teenager, it doesn’t disgust me. It doesn’t exist in my eyes. I went through his phone and I saw he was talking to a girl, I wasn’t mad or hurt. He talked bad about me and my children to his grown daughter, saying we have ruined his life, he hates me, I disgust him, etc... I didn’t care. I was mad about what they said about my kids though.

I’m short tempered here lately and quite honestly tired of being a mom. My kids are a lot here lately, something unusual as I usually have good patience. 2 of them are special needs, and I find myself crying more and asking for help. But no one helps. He says “how can I help?” As if he’s incapable of cleaning a bottle, vacuuming a floor, thawing dinner out. I’ve learned to quit asking. I’ve told him I felt suicidal, that my kids are the only reasons why I’m breathing. He doesn’t care. He openly admits that. My parents don’t care. I feel like a zombie, just wandering through life...and I know it’s noticeable. I wake up every day hating my life and myself. I wake up everyday crying because I can’t get a break.

I want to get on meds, see if it helps...but I can’t find the time. He won’t take off work so I can go to the dr. I can’t take all the kids with me. He won’t help pay for a sitter. And he’ll just throw in my face that I take meds.

Any moms feel like this? How can I make it stop. I miss the mom I was 6 months ago. I miss smiling and being happy. I know my kids notice my sadness.