I had a silent miscarriage on the 8th of January, my partner was great during the actual mc.

It was my first pregnancy, and I was so excited. All I’ve ever wished to be is a mum, and it just felt so right.

I feel broken and numb now.. all I want is my baby back.

First of all I’d like to state that my partner has Aspergers, so I’m struggling to see if I’m being unreasonable here.

But I really don’t feel much support from him now, I think he expects that because it’s been 4-5 weeks I’ll be okay by now?

I asked him last night before bed if he wishes I was still pregnant, and he told me he’s relieved that I miscarried. (Baby wasn’t planned).

So obviously this upset and shocked me quite a lot. I didn’t argue or anything, I just go very quiet and distant when he says things like this.

When I need to cry, I prefer to cry privately because he gets very frustrated that he can’t help. And it just makes the moment worse for me.

So last night I snuck into the lounge to cry by myself.

After about 30 mins he woke up and realised I wasn’t in bed, so came to find me.

He kept hugging me and asking me to come back to bed, I told him no I want to be in the lounge.

I told him it’s fine if he wants to go back to bed himself, I just want to be alone. But he wouldn’t really listen and said he wants me to come to bed so that he can be with me, but also be comfortable. So I begrudgingly went into the bedroom and laid next to him in bed, and cried myself to sleep. He asked for me to cuddle with him but I didn’t want to.

Now this morning he is acting very off with me, not making eye contact with me, not talking to me. And his demeanour seems like I have annoyed him, so I’m currently sat in the bathroom alone while I type this!

I just feel like telling him, this is exactly why I wanted to cry alone and not have him find out.. because it always seems to just frustrate him and put him in a bad mood, and ultimately make me feel worse because he’s not being supportive.

If he hadn’t of realised I was crying last night, he would be none the wiser and today would be a better day.

Whenever I get upset about things whether it’s the mc, work, relationships, anything.. he tells me that im just wallowing in it and I don’t help myself. That I should go for a walk, or mediate to try and take my mind off. (These are techniques that he uses himself) but I just don’t feel like that helps me personally. Sometimes I just need to Bloody cry!!!

I always have to remind him that crying is healthy when we really need to do it. And yes balling my eyes out in the moment seems worse than going for a walk, but on the whole it does make me feel better and gets it all out.

But it can’t work like that when he reacts the way he does.. it just makes me wish I’d held it in and not said anything.

I’m just struggling really, with this mc but also with knowing how to be around him, and what I should share with him and what is best not to share.

I know he can’t fully understand because he’s not a woman and he is on the autism spectrum, but it really sucks that I can’t just cry around him and feel it’s okay.

I guess I just needed to get this off my chest, but also if anyone out there has experience with an autistic partner and miscarrying pls let me know