Today marks two years that you’ve been gone. Two years ago today, I lost my best friend. My soul mate. I miss your hugs. I miss our inside jokes. Like when we pass that late night diner, and jokingly ask each other if we want to eat there because of the drunk guy that was asking if we had kids, then we told him no we were trying though, and how we’d name a girl ivory and a boy Jonah. and he told us that before we went to bed that night to read the book about Jonah and we’d have a little boy. I miss looking back on our memories together. I miss “arguing” about who loves each other more. I miss looking into your eyes. I miss playing with your hair. I miss waking up to all the texts you’d leave me. I miss the good mornings and the good nights. I miss how perfectly our fingers intertwined when we held hands and something just felt right about it. I miss feeling the way I did around you and how everything felt like it would be ok as long as you were by my side. I miss being able to just be my annoying self around you. I miss talking about our future. I miss looking forward to that future. I miss the kisses. I miss the way you smelled. I miss just sitting next to you laying my head on your shoulder. I miss just being in the same room with you. I miss not feeling this empty void in my chest. I miss everything. I miss you. So much. I felt like I was doing well a few months ago, considering everything. But then, once February hit, I’ve just wanted to lay in bed and cry all day. I just relive that day and think if I just didn’t fall asleep, maybe you would still be here. Something isn’t sitting right with me, and I just know this is not how things are supposed to be. I don’t understand why God would guide us back together, just to take you away from me permanently.

My grandmother is sick. She might have a few days to a few months. My dad hasn’t been doing well either. He used to go fishing almost every day. But he hasn’t in the last two years. I don’t want to go through any more heart ache. I need you Nick. I can’t handle any more heart ache. I lost you right after I lost Paris. I can’t handle another loss. I just wish I could go back. I wish I could take our son and go back to when we first got engaged.

Things would be entirely different. You’d still be here. I just need you here. I always feel like I’m having to look over my shoulder because of my ex. I felt safe with you. I miss you.

Today, I was reading our son a book. At the end, it says “but most of all I love you just the way you are.” And the picture is of a mother, father, and baby. Our son said, “A Baby.” “A mama.” And “a Pawpaw.”

He should be saying daddy. It breaks me, Nick. I miss you. Please, I just want to dream of you tonight. I want to be able to talk to you and have a conversation with you. I’m going crazy.😭

I love you, Nicholatte.