This weekend my boyfriend and I went away on a ski trip for our anniversary, my birthday, and Valentines Day. I felt a lot of pressure on this trip. My boyfriend has been stressed with work and family stuff since the new year and I have felt a lot less connected. I’ve been working not to take it personally, but the experience really has exasperated feelings I’ve had for a long time.

We went skiing on my birthday and he was very sweet and supportive. He’s a great skier and it was only my second time. He stayed with me, helped me, encouraged me - and I felt so loved. He then took me to a nice dinner. We went home and he offered me a back massage before bed. I’d like to say that one thing lead to another, but it was a pretty quick transition from back massage to doggy style. He finished quickly and then wanted to go to bed.

I was so hurt. He hadn’t kissed me, held me, spoken sweetly to me. It was just over and it was all about him. Unfortunately this is not a singular event. It happens somewhat frequently... and has been happening a lot more since he’s been stressed.

I told him I wanted kissed and held, and he partially obliged but it felt shitty at that point so I rolled over and let him sleep. I ruminated on it all night, crying, trying to sleep. That experience made me feel like he doesn’t care about me at all. It made me feel like he is so selfish. I fell asleep determined that he’s not going to make me happy, ever. I immediately forgot how in love I had felt with him earlier that day.

Today I didn’t feel like having fun with him. I didn’t tell him how I felt, I played games with him, whined about him not giving me attention and essentially turned into my least favorite version of myself.

I eventually told him what was bothering me because he said he could tell I was upset. This is not the first conversation we’ve had about how I want to be loved physically. I told him I was hurt by the lack of emotional connection. And I told him that I hated the way I’d been acting. I’m not sure if he apologized, I don’t remember. He told me he wants us to talk to our counselor about it. I got us in couples counseling after a similar event a couple weeks ago... tomorrow is our first appointment.

Not sure what I’m looking for in posting this. I guess I wonder if this is normal couple stuff? I want to be more communicative without being naggy. I also wish I didn’t have such extreme reactions to things but also that’d react appropriately in the moment to communicate my needs and boundaries.

Also, I am worried that I am settling and not with the person who knows how to love me best. Is it enough that I am with a man who is the most patient I’ve been with, someone who makes me laugh, encourages me to do hard things and cheers for me to do my best, and who also triggers my wounds and fears around not being desired and accepted. At what point does my responsibility end and his begin? The responsibility of my happiness and satisfaction that is....