I don’t think I’m in a healthy relationship

When I’m with my husband I feel happy for the most part, and I feel safe. I feel comfortable in the sense of being content most of the time. I figured all those things were very important in a marriage. And I feel like it should be enough. But for some reason it isn’t. I have always felt slightly uncomfortable in our relationship, like there is something missing. I think it’s passion that’s missing. Don’t get me wrong we have a healthy active sex life, and I’ve gotten some good times with him sexually. But I feel like when other people describe their relationships there’s more to it than what I’m feeling. I don’t feel like that’s fair to my partner, and I’ve expressed to him before we got married that I am not sure if we are meant for each other, and I feel like I’m taking him away from him a relationship where he could be more in love and passionate. But you see I was his first, and I believe I am his first love as well,  but I feel like he deserves better than me. He completely disagreed with me and insisted this relationship was right. I broke up with him once and dated somebody else very briefly, but he ended up being a scumbag and I came running straight back to my safe place (my husband) when I met him I had gone through a lot of trauma, and I was not a healthy person. I didn’t know how to live outside of him. Now we have three beautiful children, and I feel so selfish for keeping him all to myself. I really strongly feel like he could do better than me, if you like you deserve someone that loves him even more than I do. I do love him, but I think maybe I love him as a best friend, and obviously there is some sexual love there too. The idea of leaving him is impossible. I would not be able to stand my my own 2 feet, and lives for our children would be far more miserable. I don’t want them to have to go through a divorce. I also feel really stuck, and I am terrified of these feelings manifesting in an unhealthy way and me doing something that would really hurt him. I know I need a therapist, I had one but then we had to move. I’m in search of a new one now. There are extended times where I feel like everything is fine. But then I also feel like I’m just hiding from the truth. I don’t know what to do I don’t know where to turn I don’t wanna hurt anybody. Sometimes dark thoughts crossed my mind. Because that’s better than hurting everyone around me.

My husband is wonderful in so many ways. He definitely needs some help in the romance department but I also think that’s just not there because of what we are missing and he doesn’t know it because he’s never experienced it. He does have some issues with laziness, but who doesn’t have flaws? 

But I feel like such a bad person.