Please don’t judge me. But I need to confess something...I don’t want to be a mom anymore. To give you a bit of background as to how I came to this point...

My whole life I wanted to be a mother. I was a natural nurturer. I loved taking care of people. I loved kids. I practically raised my siblings. When I was pregnant with my first I was so happy. It was perfect once he was born. Then I got pregnant with my second. With a GIRL. It was perfect as I always said I wanted a son and then a daughter and 2.5 years apart...which they were! Everything felt like a dream.

Then she was born with a rare birth defect that went undetected until birth. Thank God she will still be able to live a normal life. But My whole world felt like it was coming down. It didn’t feel real. I had my baby taken away from me after birth..i didn’t even hold her. I wasn’t able to hold her until 8 days after she was born.

It’s now been 2 months and she’s still in the hospital and we don’t know how much longer she’ll be in for and she may possibly need another surgery. I’ve been pumping for her and in the beginning I was all for it...waking up every 3 hours to pump. But lately I’ve been down to pumping once or twice a day. I just don’t have motivation for it.

I’m having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m having trouble cooking. We’ve literally been eating out every day. I have no energy. I just want to lay in bed all day. I get major anxiety when my house isn’t clean, but I have no energy to clean it. I used to play with my son and plan all these fun activities and incorporate Montessori in our everyday, now I just put the tv on because I don’t want to deal with him. I haven’t even potty trained him. I feel like the worst mother.

With my daughter I hardly go and see her. I sometimes go days and days without going to the hospital. I don’t want to go. How horrible is that to

Say? I feel like a disgusting human. I feel so bad for her that her own mother doesn’t want to go see her. Whenever I do go I find myself counting down when I plan to leave, constantly looking at the clock or my phone. I usually stay about an hour. Then I’m itching to get out of there. I feel super uncomfortable. I don’t want to parent. I don’t want to feed her. I def don’t want to change her. Once she pooped and I just left.

I feel so bad saying this but it’s honestly how I feel...I don’t want to be a mother anymore. Especially with my daughter, I feel zero connection. Zero bond. I don’t even feel like she’s my daughter. I have thoughts of just tell them to keep her. I don’t want her. I don’t want this problem anymore. I just want it to go away.

I’m crying while typing this. I feel horrible. I’m just always crying. I never get dressed. I feel so emotionally and physically drained and super insecure with myself. I’m actually a “mom influencer” on Instagram (not a huge one yet...but getting there” and I haven’t even been posting my daughter. How bad is that? My husband told me I should. I should use it to vent and help others. But I just feel almost ashamed. How did I get to this point? I always wanted to be a mom. Never in a million years would I think I wouldn’t want my daughter. I would think I would be there every day 24 hours by her side.

The hospital social worker keeps calling me constantly telling me I need to be there for her. That she needs me more then my son. That she’s going to be behind in her development and she honestly is just making this worse on me. So I stopped answering her calls. I just don’t know what to do anymore.