Fuck me I'm gay af 🏳️‍🌈

I'm falling for my best friend. What a cliché.

At first, I thought I just missed her because we used to hang out all the time before Covid shut everything down. But the past few months without seeing her have been like I'm going through hell and heaven at the same fucking time

⚠️ RANT WARNING ⚠️

I worry so much when she doesn't text me, like 'Is she okay?', 'Did she realize what a huge crush I have on her and ghosted me?', and 'I hope she answers soon, I miss her'.

God, do I miss her. Her laugh, her hair, the way she looks at me when I say something stupid. I just want to run to her house and hug her for so long.

We text often (every other day-ish), and she's always keeping me updated with her life and making jokes with me. It's usually the highlight of my day. Sometimes I'll flirt with her to see what she does. Usually she'll just pretend like we're just making small talk, but other times she'll flirt back. I'm just so confused.

Occasionally, I'll be in Zoom and just THINK about how pretty she looks with her round glasses, or how flustered she gets when I shower her in compliments after she says she isn't pretty and grin. Being apart from her definitely made me realize everything I liked about her company, but it just hurts my entire being knowing I won't see her anytime soon.

A part of me just wants to confess and hope she'll feel the same way, but I know that isn't the case. It's not that she doesn't like women, but she never seemed genuinely interested in me. I don't wanna fuck up our friendship just because I think she's girlfriend-material.

Not to mention, I don't think I could maintain a relationship during the lockdown. I need a physical connection (not sexual though) for me to be happy in a relationship. And if she can't cuddle me, I don't know what I'd do lol.

I guess the point of this post is to ask what I should do??? I can't tell her about my crush, and it's not like I can put any more distance between us. A part of me wants to lose feelings and the other part wants to kiss her for hours. Please help me before I die of stupid-gay-itis