Bipolar is hard.

I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar 2 after being admitted to a psychiatric hospital twice. I also have PTSD and GAD.

This is a hard pill to swallow for me because of how Bipolar disorder has been portrayed to me my entire life. Now, as a 20 year old female, I’m “too sensitive” and “too compassionate.” I’m now shy and reclusive when I was once outgoing and adventurous.

Being I have Bipolar 2, I am almost always depressed. I lay in bed all day and watch TV. I don’t go out when I’m happy because I don’t want to let my mania ruin my bank account. (Which has happened for years.) I can’t get a full-time job because I’m worried it will be too hard to handle.

Even worse, I’m scared to move out of my parents house. My room looks like a scene from hoarders. I have no motivation to clean, talk, laugh, move, etc. How could I survive on my own?

I crave adventure and happiness but I feel like I’m being held back by something I can’t necessarily control. And when I get motivated, it’s only because I’m in a manic episode so even my motivation isn’t real. And it only lasts for a day or so.

This was more of a rant than anything. It’s just hard.