Feeling down

About my appearance.

My daughter is 20 months old and I didn't lose baby weight. I gained 20 pounds instead. I am at an all time high of 205 at 5'1. I just went head to toe calling out everything wrong with me and how disgusted I feel about myself.

I teeter back and forth on working on my mental problems and then worrying about my physical appearance. I didn't have the best life growing up and I believe it has caused me a lot of anxiety and stress. I am trying to learn how to rewire my way of thinking but it is tough.

I go from I am a strong beautiful woman that can wear whatever she wants. To.. don't wear that you look disgusting. You are huge and have cellulite. You're pale as a ghost and nobody wants to see you wear shorts. I hide myself. But I don't want my daughter to ever feel the way I do and I want to show her a strong beautiful woman to look up to.

It is so hard mentally some days to stop thinking so harsh of myself. But the best thing that I've ever done is be a mother. My daughter means the world to me. She makes me a better me.