Verbal abuse

To those of you who have been in relationships with controlling, gaslighting, and verbally abusive partners, have you found it's easier to be a single parent than deal with the abuse of your partner? My husband can be extremely sweet and supportive when he wants to be and a great dad, but other times he is verbally abusive. He refuses to go to counseling (alone or marital), and blames all of our fights on me. The days I've had both kids together by myself (a baby and a 2 yo), have been physically exhausting, so I worry about that were I to leave, but I'm tired of him verbally abusing me, his double standards, narcissistic behavior, and thinking he can decide when what I ask for is "really worth asking for help for," or thinking he can decide which questions I can or can't ask. I know the kids and I deserve better, I'm just so intimated and overwhelmed by the thought of all the logistics of separating or divorcing - custody, our house, etc. He also blames his drinking on me, saying that he wouldn't have had to if I "hadn't started a fight." Ignoring me is also how he treats me when he is upset. He refuses to discuss the issue that started the fight once he cools down, saying he wants to move on, but then we fight about the same underlying issues later because he won't work through them. Totally dysfunctional. I asked a simple yes or no question today in a nice tone (did the baby's diaper get changed while I was finishing up work - I was on a call for an hour and a half and wouldn't know if he had changed it since I was paying attention to my call) and he always assumes everything that comes out of my mouth is a judgement and clearly assumed I asked because I was judging whether he did or didn't, which was totally not the case at all. I know his coping mechanisms have nothing to do with me, but I wish I could get him to understand that. I never thought I'd end up with kids from a broken home, but I also don't want them to grow up in a dysfunctional one. I'm also embarrassed that this is the person I married and had kids with. He wasn't like this at all until after we had kids. Feeling so overwhelmed about what to do next.