Do you have any advice mother to mother for consequences for my 5 year old?

Question

I have a 5 year old daughter and a newborn. Our 5 year old starts school this year and has never really been socialized as she never has been in daycare or been around kids - except a few visits with her cousins and she had fun playing with them. I say this because sometimes she still has trouble communicating things, especially feelings in the moment. She was finally going to start a daycare like program last year but COVID - so she’s still home with me (I’m a stay at home mom). She’s very polite with our family and friends and 90% of the time is well behaved and fun. 
I’ve noticed since back when I was pregnant and talking about a new baby a few months ago her tantrums picked up in intensity. She started hitting, screaming, having an attitude in general more. For discipline she has 5 minute timeouts and we’ll take toys for 24-48 hours if she keeps up the behavior. After awhile once she’s calm we’ll sit and talk with her when she’s level headed and she apologizes for throwing a fit or being disrespectful. Since we had the baby she has been super helpful and loves handing us stuff when we’re changing diapers, holding her sister, and when she cries she always asks what the baby needs and if she’s okay. 
Today we were laying in bed with our newborn, she was sleeping. I dont remember why she said it, I think I spilled a little water on the bed. My 5 year old then said she wanted to spill cold water on my husband and our sleeping newborn he was holding because it would “make her happy”. We shut that down and explained that would be mean and hurt the baby. She went to timeout for a bit and then once she came back and was calm, we talked to her and she apologized and said she wouldn’t ever do that as she wouldn’t want to hurt the baby. 
How can I teach her more about empathy and WHY it was bad to say that? I worry that me sending her to timeout was the wrong move, should I have sat in the moment and explained it? How can I explain to her that it’s not just “mean and bad” but that we all love her baby sister and need to be gentle and not say things like that in general? Should I have distracted her and not put so much attention on what she said? Should I have done more besides timeout? Any advice? I have no female motherly roles to help me out.

Answer

I probably wouldn’t have done a time out, or reacted too strongly to her just saying she wants to do something. I’d much rather her say she wants to try something like that than to just do it because then I can explain why that wouldn’t be nice and could hurt the baby like you said you explained. I try to never get upset at my daughter if she tells me she did something wrong, or is feeling something because I want to keep her coming to me and being honest with me. She will sometimes take something she knows she’s not supposed to then she’ll come tell me she took it. If I had caught her with it I would have done discipline, but because she came and told me I just say “you know you’re not supposed to have that but thank you for telling me, can you please give it to me?”.  She’s still really young and likely doesn’t understand babies at all especially if she hasn’t been around other kids much. I would probably just have said “oh no why would you want to do that! That wouldn’t be very nice to dad and the baby and that could really really hurt the baby so we can’t do things like that ok?” And then move on. Now if she acted on something like that after knowing it wasn’t ok then comes the discipline. Explaining something like that then showing empathy yourself when she gets hurt or has feelings will encourage her to show empathy. She is too young to understand babies so she just has to be taught. She has to be taught that we have to protect babies and that they’re fragile and that even though they can’t say it they love us. We have to remember that they don’t know these things so they’re just curious or just feel things and it can be so mean or shocking to us but they don’t usually have malicious intent they’re just trying to figure things out. Once they’re taught then you can follow up with discipline to show that, hey I told you this wasn’t ok and now you will see that there’s consequences. But still do that without emotion. Just matter of fact. That’s not ok, here’s your discipline.

Answer

Think she probably still adjusting to the not being only kid now. Try getting her more social time if possible with kids around her age, can help her in general.  I would ask her why she wants to do that before explaining why is mean and can harm baby. You could get her own baby doll, could also help. I think you are doing great job best you can though! 😄
  I do tell my daughter she needs to ask for attention not act out for it, she slowly getting there. My kid use to act out a ton for attention.

Answer

So I am not a mother, but am a teacher (including a year of Kindergarten). I had a student who started acting up when he found out his mom was pregnant with #2. It’s possible she’s adjusting to not being the only child. Try to set aside time just for you and her. I personally don’t think time-out is a good consequence. A natural consequence would have been to clean up the water spill. Definitely talk to her in the moment and tell her exactly what you are saying here! Just explain that the water needs to stay off the baby because it could hurt her. Take that as an opportunity to remind her that the baby is very little and you have to be very careful with her. Tell her that even mom and dad have to be super careful with the baby too. I also recommend socializing her with other children her age as much as you can before school starts.

Answer

We have different parenting styles as I believe in spanking so I will lead with that, but I understand that’s not everybody’s belief. So outside of trading timeout for a few pops...
However, maybe she needs some 1:1 time with you or your husband separately. Go for ice cream, go to the park, etc. she may feel like the “new baby” is taking over her parents.

Answer

I don't know... I kind of feel like you overreacted. She didn't actually do anything. She was just saying out loud a thought. I am assuming she thought it would be funny? A lot of little kids get into the idea of pranks and jokes around this age. But of course they still don't quite understand when it's appropriate and when it isn't. And they also still don't quite understand the difference between how a baby needs to be protected versus someone older. Or when it is or isn't an appropriate moment to be silly or pull pranks. When they express wanting to do something inappropriate, I think that's the perfect time to have a conversation about why they shouldn't do that. If they are punished for speaking their thought then they might just hold those ideas in, which could have far worse consequences if they simply decide to act on them later and not have the chance to have explain to them why it's wrong. I think you want to encourage her to tell you what she is thinking about fear of punishment.
I really think actions should be punished at once. Because you want to show them that there are consequences to actions. If she hits her little sister she is giving a punishment. On the other hand if she ever says that she doesn't like her little sister that's when you sit her down, you talk to her about how babies can sometimes be frustrating, and you agree, but that we of course really love little sister, and that as they get older they are going to have lots of fun together. And sometimes sisters get mad at each other. But they will always love each other and look out for each other. It wouldn't be right to punish her because she expressed a feeling at this age when she still learning how to properly understand her own emotions.  That's what I think at least

Answer

I think you did very well!

Answer

Well for your youngest when she gets to daycare you should probably put her in daycare once a week. Actually encouraged my brother to do that because my niece and nephew didnt have no communication with other kids besides with their siblings.it may be expensive for one day but that one day a week will help them encourage to learn that stuff. Maybe even during the summer you can put your 5-year-old in daycare once a week so she can learn those lessons.they need to learn by socialization with other kids that are not family.

Answer

You did well. Just always explain what the time out or loss or privileges is for.

Do you have any advice mother to mother for consequences for my 5 year old?

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