PPD with second child?

I have two children. A 2 year old (25 months) and a 12 week old newborn.

I’ve been a SAHM since my first was born. I’m a licensed therapist by trade though. I knew adjusting to two kids would be hard for me. I struggled with the newborn stage with my first, and as a SAHM, I had gotten so used to spending every moment with her.

I’m going to be brutally honest in my feelings, so I ask for empathy and understanding.

Sometimes it feels like two kids was a mistake. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE MY KIDS. Truly, I do. I would take a bullet for them, no questions asked. But being a SAHM of two is so hard. At first I had help. My sister was here for two weeks when my newborn arrived. Then I adjusted to her being gone, and we were managing pretty well. Then my husband returned to work after a month of paternity leave. I didn’t think much of it, as he didn’t help much during the day anyway. But, not having him there for emotional support is apparently more difficult than I realized.

Since about 4-5 weeks old, I’ve been struggling. Some days are really good. I can’t imagine doing anything else. I love watching them grow and learn and laugh and play. I feel like a good mom.

Other days, I’m ready to throw in the towel. I just feel like I’m in a constant state of anger and misery. I yell at my toddler. I let her watch too much TV. I give up.

I always apologize when I yell at her. But I feel like I have to apologize too often. And the mom guilt is real. And sometimes she makes me so angry, and then two minutes later she’s being super cute. That’s the worst.

I’m trying hard. Yesterday I handed her a cup of milk, and she immediately spilled it. I felt instantly upset, but I stopped myself. I looked at her face and it was so very sad. Instead of yelling, I made the conscious decision to say, “It’s okay, honey, I know it was an accident. Mommy will clean it up and you can have more.” And at the time, I was lying. It wasn’t okay and I didn’t want to clean it up or give her any more. But, by the time I had done all of that, I felt better.

It’s just hard. One is always screaming. My toddler cries when the baby cries. She acts out when I have to tend to the baby. When the baby sleeps, she yells and wakes her up. Then I get to deal with an overtired baby and a screaming toddler simultaneously. After my toddler goes to bed, my infant loses it. She cries unless held. I take 5 minute showers, but she still screams the entire time and I rush even more. She has to be held constantly.

I have been honest with my husband and he has been understanding and helps as much as he can. But sometimes he also misses our “easier life” pre-second baby. When the house was cleaner and we slept more. And he slips up. He says things about the house not being clean enough or errands not being accomplished. And then I feel REALLY crappy. Like a failure. Because I’m already sucking at being a mom and I am also failing at being a wife. We both try to remind ourselves it gets better.

I know I have PPD. I’m a therapist and I’m not an idiot. But I can’t do anything about it. My midwife assumes and expects me to be okay. Everyone treats you as if a second child is a walk in the park because you’ve done it all before. They don’t pick up on your hints or cues, or even you let PPD assessment results.

And honestly? They can’t do anything. I won’t be medicated, and if I can’t take a 5 minute shower or leave the house to get a hair cut, I damn sure can’t make it to therapy. Just being a realist.

Maybe today will be better than yesterday. Or maybe it will take months. I’m just praying I feel something other than debilitating misery soon.

I get glimpses of joy. But they are few and far between. I try to change my perspective, by trying to see it all as this great sacrifice for my beautiful children. But it isn’t enough. It just isn’t enough.