Today I am struggling

Today I am struggling…hard.

Today I feel like what’s the point and if it weren’t for my boys, I would have no second thoughts about not wanting to go on.

I am sad. I’m so sad that it’s painful. My heart aches.

My body is empty and even though I carried my baby girl to term, I have nothing in my arms but tears to show for it.

I have no baby.

People will tell me I have my boys and should be grateful for them. I am. But I want my baby. I would literally do anything to have her in my arms.

We tried for 6 years for her. She was a miracle when we were told IVF was the only option. She was an angel.

I held her for 5 minutes before they took her to the NICU. My husband didn’t even get to hold her.

The next time I held her, she was gone. My beautiful, born healthy baby was gone just hours later.

How is this real? How is this my life?

It’s been 3 months and I can fake it now. I do my hair and makeup, put on clothes, and pretend like I’m okay. But I’m not. Several times a day I try my best not to fall apart. I try breathing exercises to calm down and to stop myself from crying. I thought that starting Nursing School would take my mind off of it and help give me something to think about besides this terribly horrific loss. It didn’t. Now I just feel overwhelmed and sad at the same time.

Watching the NICU team try to save her was the most traumatizing thing I’ve ever been through and I think about it nonstop….even when I try not to. Everyone was crying. I was pleading for their help and they were trying so hard.

I don’t want this to be my life. But it is. This is my life. I hate it.

I’m sorry if this is negative. I don’t really have anyone to talk to. My husband is trying to move forward and not be stuck anymore. I’m still stuck. I guess I just needed to put it out there.