Why is it so hard?

I haven't been diagnosed with anything. But my mother told me along time ago I needed to seek counseling when I was 13. And as we speak or I should say as I type I am 29 years old.

I have had multiple issues in my life from childhood trauma to having 26 and I had my first surgery I had ovarian cystic size of a volleyball. Today I wonder why me cuz I'm I get and I would have a baby. The main thing is why is life seem to be so hard as I get older? I asked my mom and she said once again I need to seek out counseling so I did in the concert said that he believes he knows my problem is I need to see a psychiatrist I don't want to see a psychiatrist. but I know that when I get upset or when someone makes me feel like nothing or just holding everything in as we speak right now I just got done with what my mom called them was a panic attack. But someone told me that it was an anxiety attack and I seen people having sex I guess I'm not a doctor but these panic attacks like my job my mind races thought of a thought to picture a picture and just all the b******* that I've been through in my life and I just want to know my life so hard and my good enough to even live if I'm not good enough to be tomorrow. Am I good enough to actually be happy without someone trying to break my smile as my smile has my pain and at this point I just feel like I'm talking to myself cuz I'm just talking into my phone I don't want to give up on life because I know the kind of person I am is my heart is pure for everyone but myself and I love myself I do by the end of the day I just I really feel like being done because it's just getting too hard to be happy