Need to vent but all feedback is welcome

I hope I can write this all down so that it shows the reality of this situation and hope that this is sort of impartial so that I don’t persuade anyone to prefer my side of it. Honest feedback is what I need.

Our son is 2 years and 8 months old. He is normally a silly, happy, easily entertained, content with simple things and activities that has had tantrums but nothing completely outrageous. Things like leaving the playground. Doesn’t last long and learns from it when we talk about it later. So these kinds of tantrums are much better, smaller and fewer.

Lately, in the last couple of weeks, he has seemed to become more hyper. Like kind of unsettled, but still happy, still easily entertained. Becoming more strong willed. Saying no, I don’t want to, etc alot. So I know that’s normal. I don’t mind it. I prefer to talk with him and discuss what happened or going to happen. My husband on the other hand has a very short fuse. My son whines more now, repeats the same phrase over and over and over and over. He argues. I know this is all normal. I do ignore it most of the time but sometimes remind him to just talk to me or tell me what he wants. My husband yells. Threatens he will never see his toys again, never get to do such and such ever again.

So brings me to today. We had a difficult day with him yesterday. My husband and I talked about it last night. My husband usually blames me for my son’s “bad” behavior. He said, we need to be nicer to him. I told him I agree because I think what we do to him is what he will do to us and others. So basically be the example of the behavior that you want him to have. Ok so this morning my son wakes up happy, him and I get up, eat breakfast, hang out while we wait for my husband to wake up. My husband always has this short kind of attitude with me and of course trickles over to our son. Anyway, all was normal. Then I was getting lunch ready. We planned to leave home together right after. Our son, asked for my husband to come to him so he could show him something. He told him he had to wait because he was washing his hands, then proceeded to look around in the kitchen before going to him. During that time, our son got his finger pinched in a toy. So, I went to him. My husband followed. I picked him up and hugged him while he cried. Normally I would say let me kiss it and that would be it. He would say something like all better and I would remind him to be brave and everyone would just move on. Well with my husband everything is exaggerated and extreme(in my opinion). He said, put something cold on it. My son has experienced this extreme reaction before where he puts a bag of frozen veggies on our toddlers head, for example. I think it’s unnecessary but he is trying to make a big deal about it because he thinks or wants everyone to see it as my fault. Anyway, my son had a meltdown because he didn’t want to put something cold on it. It was pinched skin on his hand. So I think a big exaggeration. Well while my son was having that meltdown, I was sitting next to him. He was trying to hold my hand and hug me. My husband told me not to talk with him. My son screamed even more. Then he spanked him. Yelled at him if he liked that. Then sat him down in a highchair,where of course, he can’t move. My son screamed and cried more, my husband yelled more and got in his face. He hit him on his arm. My son screamed more. Then he took the bottle of water I had set down for my son to drink in order to try to calm down earlier and he squirted it in his face, his eyes. My son was shocked and of course screamed more. I couldn’t believe what I just saw. He told me to leave the room. Then finally my husband stopped. I got my son calmed down and he ate lunch. My husband pouted the rest of the time as if my son is behaving like this to torture him or something. I tell him again, he will behave in the way that you show him to behave. He blames me…that’s not new.

We finally leave home. It was fine then my son starts acting up again. We go to the car to leave and head home and he starts having a huge fit. Screaming that something hurts and wants me to help. I try asking him what is hurting. My husband is yelling and mocking him. Turns the music up really loud. We finally pull over to see if something does actually hurt. I didn’t find anything that could hurt and my son just kept saying no it’s better. I think he might have picked up a new habit to try to get attention. Probably because of the extreme reactions my husband has to him pinching his finger in a toy or falling down and yelling at me for it, etc. He tells my son that all of his toys will be taken away for 3 months, no tv, no books, etc. So we go inside and pack away all the toys.

I believe a lot of this is a byproduct of my husband’s anger problem and in general crappy attitude. He has excuses but no one can talk to him about this stuff because he is always right and just blames everyone else for the problem. I know, sounds like a narcissist. I’m seriously sure he is. But this has become so much worse since my son was born, since he has gotten older and since the tantrums and since the defiant behavior has started. I know this is all normal but he blames me.

So what is your take on this?

Is it that I baby him? Is he taking advantage of me? Is he learning this behavior from my husband? Is this normal?

Besides the advice that some people will tell me to leave my husband, is there anything I can do? I will try to reason with my husband because as I have said so many times, my husband and I are the examples and are supposed to control ourselves. Our son is not capable of controlling himself in this way. I wish I didn’t have to explain this to a grown man. Ugh, I really needed to vent. I rarely talk about my husband’s behavior but I need perspective from other people. Please, I want to hear all feedback.

I should add… I have been with my son all of the time since he was born. My husband spent about a year where he was gone during the day everyday. Now we spend most of the time together.