Just broke up with my bf. Crushed and confused

I’m still having trouble controlling my breath and emotions while typing this. I just can’t believe it actually happened and it’s not just a terrible dream I can wake up from

We started dating almost 6 months ago while both being in the last year of high school (we’re from Europe). He was the one to show initiative, I was kinda hesitant about getting into a relationship due to bad experiences from the past. But we just clicked, it was like we’d been talking/had known each other for ages before dating. He admitted to having feelings for me for about a year before that (but neither of us were ready to date someone at that time).

We were both extremely caring, attentive and genuinely nice to each other. I always found time for him, cooked, showed interest in his life/problems/professional accomplishments, reassured him when it came to our relationship or his doubts about himself. HE always remembered to get me flowers, met up with me late in the evening after his sports training, even wrote me letters and just showed that he cared and took care of me.

We both were upfront about the situation after our final year of high school would end- I will leave to another country in Europe for studies, he will move to another city and pursue his professional spots career.

So we discussed what would happen to us, but BOTH decided to be more calm about it, just enjoy our time together while we can and not make any swift decisions early on.

Well everything was going perfectly probably until the middle of May. I could sense that something was off for a long time (that it wasn’t just a busy period of time for him)- he wasn’t acting like his usual self, we started seeing each other even less frequently, the conversations didn’t seen genuine or as meaningful as they used to be.

I asked him about everything, explained that I just wanted to talk about it calmly, that he could tell me his worries/concerns and I would try my best to understand if I did something wrong/if I would help and support him. Turns out he was so worried about me leaving and us having to do long distance, that he just on his own decided to distance himself from me, “not get used to me” because he “didn’t see the point in it anyways”.

I’m actually shocked that I was so calm and understanding after some of the things he said that I don’t wanna mention. In hindsight, most of it was actually really hurtful and selfish from his side. But then I tried to be once again reassuring, encouraged him to talk openly about his fears, was also really open myself. (He’s been raised in a strict family where showing emotions is considered weak, also his past relationship was very toxic and bad for his self image). That’s why I tried EXTREMELY hard to explain that I would be there for him no matter what, that he matters to me and can count on my support during this time apart.

Well it seemed to get “better” after that conversation, but a few weeks later everything went back to the way it was- he didn’t wanna go on a short trip I planned just for the two of us to enjoy, stood me up for a few of our meetings, sometimes went a really long time without contacting me.

Deep down I knew that everything was repeating- he doesn’t know how to maintain normal relationships, he’s scared of the future, me getting bored with him, us losing touch during my 3 year studies abroad. So even after me being supportive, talking to him openly about it, saying that I love him and am committed to at least keeping a connection between us, he just started treating me more and more like shit.

I understand that it’s a defence mechanism, that he wants to avoid the possibility of us having issues in the future...but it’s toxic and extremely hurtful to me. He stopped being his usual self.

Well today we met up, ended up talking about it, he SWORE that it’s just the long distance for him, that he has feelings for me, doesn’t want to lose me, but treated me like this intentionally so I “wouldn’t want to date him myself”.. To me, that’s just so childish and inconsiderate of my feelings.

He chose the easiest way out for himself, said that he hopes we can be friends, because “it’ll be easier for him to talk to me without any obligations pr constraints”....🤦🏻‍♀️I was literally shocked at this response and a lot of hurtful stuff he said afterwards.

I decided to end it, he readily agreed, but sobbed the entire way while driving me back to my house.

I’m just crushed because it all could’ve been different, way better and more positive for both of us. Instead, neither of us will have each other’s support while starting new pages of our lives away from home.💔

I don’t know why I wrote this, hut to the ones who read all the way to to here- THANK YOU. I guess I just needed to get this out of myself, because I literally don’t know what to do right now💔