Yesterday, my grandparents told me that I should be cautious around my father due to his behavior and how he already treats my mother. I took that more as a warning for my safety as I have a history of suicidal tendencies that I’ve been hospitalized for and they worry about me. I think they and my mother have noticed my mood changing but I just blamed it more on my bi-polar that past records of my health. I wrote a list last night of the pros and cons of my father and I found it very difficult to come up with pros and all to easy to come up with cons. I ran out of room on the paper for cons even when I filled the paper over. This is very personal to me but I feel like I need more than the handful of opinions that I have since he’s told me that my therapist is wrong about him and that I should stop seeing her despite her being the only real therapist that I’ve ever opened up too. Some of the pros of my father is that when he married my mom he adopted me and visited me in the hospital when I was in the psych ward. He also worries about me when I go to the ER for an allergic reaction. I go often because it’s not under great control. He also plays video games with me and we watch anime together when he feels like it. He’s bought me numerous stuff but it always feels like a good on him rather than a good on me for earning for good grades. The cons overwhelmed me, though. When I developed my allergy at 14/15 years old and couldn’t eat all the things I loved anymore he was always quick to rub it in my face and when I asked him to stop he called me sensitive and couldn’t take a joke. He constantly yells at me and one time it went so badly that he run up on me, pushed me on the bed, and when I started kicking to defend myself let me know I was in the wrong and won’t ever let me live it down. He tried to get my mom to make me see another therapist and when she said I could get another one on top of my other one so we could talk out our issues together he refused and said I was the problem. I will admit that I’m not the most perfect person ever but it seems that every effort I make to get better and ask him to get better with me seems like a waste and more my fault than anyone else’s. He lets my mother know I’m the problem. I feel what really threw me off was the things he said, “If you don’t/do this that lord help you because I’ll…” and then he trails off. I was told that these were threats and I feel kind of stupid for not realizing it. He constantly calls me a liar even when I don’t mention anything. I don’t think I lie that much but I’m not sure anymore that I kind of just don’t mention anything that interests me anymore. I love talking. I can’t not talk lol. So since no one will listen to me talk I ended up just talking to myself to which he said I was strange and weird in a disgusted voice. My mental health isn’t the greatest as you know and I have problems but it seems that I can’t have problems like him because I didn’t grow up with a rough life like he did with poverty. I made a male friend in high school who later threatened to rape me if I kept talking about him negatively to my best friend because he was scaring me. My father said I walked myself into that one and that it was partially my fault and gets mad at me for not telling him immediately because idk. I want to think it’s because he’s worried about me but the tone in his voice when he said it didn’t seem like it. He and my mom got me a dog who I love so much. She a black standard poodle named Lucie and she a great shoulder to lean on. If I do something he doesn’t like he’s quick to take her away from me and leave me by myself which my mother doesn’t like due to my past. He says I’m a bad dog owner because I won’t take her on as many walks in the summer because it’s usually about 115 degrees. I live in Arizona btw so it’s hot. What bother me the most though is when he yells at my dyslexic and dysgraphic brother and says he doesn’t try to learn. He constantly compares his high school self to the both of us and lets us know what we are lacking. He doesn’t want us seeing our grandparents because he says they encourage us to be disrespectful to him. When I ever I paint, draw, or do anything artistic he’s quick to give his option on it which is almost always more negative than positive. I think I really started to see his bad side when he started kicking and kicking my dog and then laughs about it later as if it’s a joke. For the 7-8 years that I’ve know him he’s only ever apologized to me twice and we get in fights on a regular basis. I’m always the one forced to apologize and when I hide in my room as to not drag others into it I’m in the wrong because family should be together because family is forever. I don’t really know how to feel about any of this other than angry and depressed. I still have two more years of high school until I go to college. I wanted to study abroad and was even saving up my allowance but he cut it off and when I asked if I could get a job he laughed in my face. I feel like he’s even turning my own mother against me as she constantly defends him and never me. She tells me I’m in the wrong and should apologize even if we all know it’s his fault saying I provoked him and to be careful around him which makes me very concerned. I want to go to college and never come back even for the holidays because what I mentioned above was only the tip of the iceberg. I don’t like being around him and he’s starting to scare me even. I want to leave but I don’t want to leave my family that I grew up with behind and I’m worried about what’s going to happen to my dog once I’m not here as well as my siblings and mom. I really want to hear what you think about this and if I’m the problem or if I have to grow up early and be the adult because the won’t like my auntie and grandparents said. Please be nice, though.