Why do I feel depressed after orgasm

I don’t know if I’m normal, I’ve only ever slept with guys that are too pushy for sex and given in. During sex, I don’t particularly enjoy it and afterwards have this horrible depressed feeling that I feel disgusted with myself. Orgasms don’t feel amazing but I have them. Sex feels kinda unnatural but I’ve never been with a man that genuinely wants to get to know me.

I even feel like this after masturbation but not as strong. I hope it’s just anxiety, I want a boyfriend and fantasiZe about sex but it never lives up to expectation. I feel like it’s alien to me and I really don’t want to be asexual. I do get well attracted to men and aroused around them and horny but then guilty after sex