You did WHAT with Mema?

My grandmother died last September. I actually had covid, like I was at her death bed and the next day I got sick. She was dying of cancer and died a “natural death” due to cancer.

Y’all I quarantined, i did not even have a job. I was her caregiver. I only left the house to get basic necessities, I wore a mask.

She had no symptoms of any respiratory problems and hospice was there the whole time explaining everything to us and how it was all normal. She literally died from cancer before she even had a chance to get covid.

I did tell them I was diagnosed with covid after. I had NO idea, keep in mind this was before vaccines came out. Like please don’t judge me.

I missed her funeral, because I had covid.

She was cremated and before I was born my grandpa died and they threw his ashes in a lake. My Mema said that she died with him when he died, and she wanted to be with him. She wanted to be cremated and thrown into the lake with him.

I’m gonna be honest. I like, hate that. I know that dead bodies are already in lakes.. especially the one her and my grandpa were put in. But like.. when I think about going to the lake I don’t wanna think about how I’m swimming in burnt up dead people.

Don’t take That as harsh guys, I literally kissed her on her forehead when she was dead. It was a “goodbye” for me because I held her hand until her last breath.

But the lake is like.. we were all raised in it and there is a significant reason the elders want to be put in the lake, and just like 🥴🥴man. but I’m not gonna fight with my family over that. She was my grandmother yes, but she was THEIR mother FIRST.

I’ve really been wishing to go visit some kind of memorial where her body is. I don’t like that she was cremated although she made that choice VERY clearly before her death and it was her death and her choice.

I drove 2 hours to the lake. To pay a visit.

Do you wanna know what I found out? They havent put Mema in the lake yet. She’s in an urn at my aunts house. So I drove back from the lake today crying and went to my aunts and hugged an urn and spent so much money on gas and was so upset.

“I don’t know, we just haven’t gotten around to it yet.”

-which I think actually means.. “we are not ready to let her go” which is okay. It’s okay.

BUT TELL ME THAT BECAUSE I HAD COVID AND MISSED ALLL THE AFTER DEATH CEREMONIES AND HAD NO IDEA.

Dang! I guess I visited grandpa today though too even though I didn’t know him. So maybe that means something I don’t yet understand.

Its been really hard on me for some reason that I don’t have a grave to visit. It’s just how I feel and I can’t help that so I drove alllll the way to the lake just to be there and she wasn’t there.