Did I Do The Right Thing?

Due to the nature of this conversation, I’m going to remain anonymous. For the last four years, I have been working as a SW. When I was four months in, one of my clients ended up being this guy in one of my lab classes. Let’s just say when I opened the door, we were both surprised. Nonetheless, he was handsome, he thought I was cute so it made it easier once we broke the ice as client and provider. It got to the point where he’d book me at least 3 times a week for 2 hours then we’d spend time together at Uni. Our bond with one another got deeper not only because of us spending so much time together but we didn’t have to hide who we were since we knew one of our biggest secrets. December 2019, he asks me if I want to be his girlfriend. I said yes and we planned a whole trip to Jamaica for the holidays and he left me at the Airport and missed his flight. The following semester I was set to be studying abroad so I couldn’t even confront him for the shit he pulled that day.

When I went back home, turns out he blocked me on everything and I couldn’t bring it up to anyone cause we mostly kept “us” a secret. August 2020, he calls me asking if we can meet. We meet and he tells me he wants us to go back to a client/provider relationship because he can’t take knowing that he’s sharing me with someone else hence why he ghosted before our trip to Jamaica.

I mean I needed the money so I agreed but then it started to feel like when we were in a relationship although, with no commitment and I couldn’t emotionally handle it. It ate at me emotionally because due to his upbringing and family’s socioeconomic class, he can afford to blow off $3,000 just because. So when he would book me, it would be a thing where I’m seeing him minimum 4 hours at a time. Imagine spending so much time with someone you were deeply in love with. I might be stupid, but It hurts so bad. Although, it was almost emotional abuse being so intimate with him as a client especially since there’s history.

After a month of doing this, I changed my number and ghosted him. I met a guy that I thought would be the one although, he turned out to be extremely Obessive and emotionally abusive and I’m even trying to end things now with him. This guy cheated on me about 4 months ago and we’ve been separated since.

As soon as we separated, I had a dream about my “client”. We were wrapped up in each other’s arms and it looked so cozy. Almost 2 days later, I see him at the gym. I was so surprised because I haven’t seen him since 2020 and within 48 hours of dreaming about him, I see him, at my GYM even?

For some reason, I felt like life was giving us a second chance. So for the last almost five months, We’re with each other everyday and it’s literally been like how it was when we first started our relationship. My birthday was about two weeks ago and he planned such a wonderful day for me from the time I woke up till the time I went to sleep. So I decided to take the chance and ask him pretty soon where we want this to go.

My problem is, is that I’ve been in denial. While he might not be as in love or not in love with me, I’ve never stopped loving him. There’s no one that knows so much about me, my body, my family, or my academic aspirations like he does and vice versa. So when he told me the other day he didn’t really want a relationship, I knew I had to cut the plug myself to avoid getting hurt again. We had sex for the last time yesterday and even though I’m gonna be okay, this is the worst I’ve felt emotionally in a long time. Before he left he hugged me and told me he loved me and that broke me more than anything. I hate him but at the same time I’m great full that he’s shown me that I deserve better. Loving someone is hard, but letting them go after you’ve loved them feels like they’ve died in your soul.