I think my husband might leave me. And he deserves to.

I’ve been dealing with some postpartum rage. It’s not very often, maybe once or twice a month. But I will completely lose it over nothing one day and have a mental breakdown and cry and scream into a pillow and throw things. (Never ever near the baby!) But immediately after it happens, I get this wave of guilt and feel so shameful and stupid for acting the way I do over nothing. I apologize a million times and try so hard to make things better. My husband is a saint and is always so patient and kind and will take the baby for a walk so I can cook down. Today was the breaking point I think. We got into an argument over nothing and he kept pushing my buttons so I tried to calm down by taking my dinner outside while he ate with the baby. As I’m slowly calming down, he came outside with the baby and wanted to talk 2 minutes after I got outside, which immediately got my blood boiling again. Like he couldn’t wait until I was done eating? Couldn’t wait until I was calm and inside to talk? So I lost it and started crying and yelling.

He hasn’t spoken to me since. Just went outside and has been sitting on the porch. Won’t reply to texts.

I’m putting the baby to bed right now and honestly wouldn’t be surprised if he just never came back inside. He deserves so much better. We can’t afford therapy right now so I’m trying self help books and podcasts and really trying to work on my anger while we save up for therapy, but I think it’s too late.