I think I may be done having babies... I'm crushed.


I knew when I had my youngest that I wanted another child. I feel the ache in my heart and the phantom weight in my arms as I walk by the baby department. I pray every month to not get my periods and get a second pink line instead. However, my "baby" is now 7. I am now 41. I have had 8 miscarriages since him and am now going in to have a fibroid shaved down in my uterus. My periods went from 3 days to 10 and from so light that I didn't use any period products overnight to I now use ultra tampons and bleed through in an hour. I long to feel that little flutter in my belly. To feel the sweet ache of over full breasts before a feeding. To just experience the wondrous process of new motherhood one more time. But I am coming to the realization that it isn't going to happen for me. Meanwhile I have so many friends posting pictures and discussing their miraculous rainbow babies that I don't go on Facebook anymore and just scroll as it hurts too much. How do you close the door in your heart when you want a baby with all your heart but your body says no? Does the pain ever stop? Lighten? Or lessen? I am such an amazingly blessed momma. I have my 2 biological sons, my 2 step daughters, and my 2 adopted babies. Why does this ache still manage to take me down?