Is it normal to feel like you no longer have a life or sense of identity? My toddler completely runs and controls my life

Question

I’m just wondering if anyone else feels like they no longer have a life of their own when they have a toddler. 24/7, I am at my son’s mercy without reprieve. I’m a stay at home parent. Ended my career when I had my son 3 years ago because daycares scares me. My husband has a pretty demanding career but does all that he can when he’s home. We don’t really have a relationship anymore outside of parenting. He feels similarly, like our toddler dictates everything. A meal, a conversation, a moment, cannot exist without our child screaming, whining, shoving a toy in our faces, crawling all over us, etc. We barely speak anymore unless it’s about him, because of how demanding he is. He doesn’t play independently at all, and needs constant entertainment. 100% of everything I do is about our son. I have given up all of my hobbies or anything I enjoy for him, because I simply cannot do them with him around. I used to paint, but if I even think about getting out any supplies, he’s all into them, getting paint everywhere. If I try to watch tv, he screams at me for not playing with him, or screams for me to put on Spongebob. All day, 100% of the time, is about him. Which I know... I chose to have a child... it’s not about me anymore, but I feel I have no more sense of identity or self because I give myself completely to my child. I can’t stay up at night and give myself alone time either, because my son somehow always hears me, and still wakes up 5 times a night screaming for me. Last night he took an hour to fall asleep around 10pm. Woke up at 11:30pm screaming. And wouldn’t go back to sleep until 3am after I finally gave in and was just crying myself and let him in bed with us. Then woke up at 7am and kicked me to make him breakfast. He completely controls everything. I have no more control over anything because he just screams constantly and never fucking stops. When I don’t give in, he doesn’t either. I have let him scream for three or more hours until I can’t take it anymore. I honestly hate my life because I don’t really have one anymore. I’m just at my toddler’s mercy.

Answer

You need to start setting boundaries. My daughter is the same age, and we dont allow such behavior in our home. I know you say daycare scares you, but even 1 day a week would make a difference. If you don't take care of this now it may get worse.

Answer

Start setting boundaries with your LO no matter what. He sounds like he’s high needs and I’ve been there. This will kill your marriage. He has full control of the home and knows it in his own baby way. You both are the parents. He can sit in his room safely with toys even if he’s cries for a bit. You must research methods in setting boundaries for your mental health and for the sake of your marriage. I’m sorry you are having a hard time. Let go of the guilt because you’re ok and make a plan.

Answer

Sounds like it’s time for a structured daycare, even if it’s just 3x a week. Or one of those mother’s morning out places that do daycare for 2-3hrs while you run errands. Our daycare is kinda “strict”. They have the same routine everyday but learn new things everyday. Recess is at the same time, lunch at the same time, etc. so they always know what’s coming next and how to prepare themselves. They are so independent now because 10 kids can’t rely on the teacher to get them all ready or recess would be over by then. Our kid is 3 as well. We rarely have screaming and she sleeps through the night because she’s tired from school. Screaming is rare because she knows the routine. I think you need to implement a routine at least. Our kid can tell time so maybe say when the clock says 12 it’s lunch time. When it says 8 it’s bedtime, etc.

Answer

I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. Have you tried finding him some friends? If he has someone to play with he might give you some space during play dates. If you like the parents and trust them, you might even be able to let them babysit every once in a while. 
What does your schedule look like? I would think implementing somewhat of a schedule would help a bit, too. So at a set time each day, it's "quiet time". He can read, play by himself, or watch tv on a low volume while you get some peace and quiet. What about bedtime? Does he have a set bedtime? If not, now would be a great time to set one and start the process of sleep training him. He stays in his room until it's time to get up type thing. As far as him waking to sounds, does he have a sound machine in his room? My daughters sound machine drowns out almost all noise. That could definitely help prevent you from tiptoeing around the house while he's sleeping!

Answer

I wouldn’t say it’s normal, but it is common, and people with untreated PPD typically feel this way - yes, PPD can occur even years after birth. Having a child changes your life, but it may also feel like it disrupts your life, because absolutely every priority and routine shifts around your child. It’s even more difficult if your child is particularly “high needs”, meaning they whine/cry more often or have clinginess and separation anxiety. That’s what it sounds like here. I think if you yourself sought some treatment, perhaps with a therapist, you’d feel better and be in a better mindset to tackle some boundary issues with your baby. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with you or him, let me emphasize that, these feelings and problems are quite common. There’s no shame at all in seeking help and support. Good luck.

Answer

Do you have family which is close? Can they assist once a week so you get a break? I would also revisit the topic of daycare. Fee times a week will be good. They teach boundaries, social lessons, kids get tired and sleep better at night and will give you time to do something for yourself e.g paint, gym, work, anything.

Answer

I felt like this and realized it wasn’t good for any of us, so now I take the time for myself and my child has actually become more independent because of it.  Wasn’t easy but definitely worth it!  And if you guys can spend some time as a couple together it will help a lot!  We stay up late and watch a grownup movie, even if you had to turn the volume down and put subtitles on, it’s time for the two of you.  Sending love, I think what you are feeling is common and normal.

Answer

I think he needs other children to play with. Either daycare or a playgroup or friends. My three year old gets bored so easily with me.

Answer

I agree with setting boundaries. Our son is 2 and has autism so you can imagine he is very high needs. When he was younger I implemented something called "quiet time" basically when he becomes overwhelmed or to much to do deal with and we both need time apart (30mins max) i will say" uh oh buddy do we need a break? Let have some quiet time" now when he needs quiet time on his own he will close his room door. I will give him his space for 30 mins and I will walk in his room and start some sort of activity. He has always done independent play but since doing therapy he is leaning how to play with others. You have to remember you and your husband are the parent and he is the child. You 2 run the show not him.

Is it normal to feel like you no longer have a life or sense of identity? My toddler completely runs and controls my life

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