Haven’t posted for about 6 months but it’s still the same

Hello everyone

I had my son in May 2020. He’s nearly 16 months old. My TTC journey was very, very (11 years) long and complicated. Tried everything from bbt charting to IVF and nothing worked. Gave up and a few months later fell pregnant naturally somehow.

Uneventful pregnancy. Emergency C-section at 40+4. Came home with my son after 24 hours from birth but was back in 4 days postpartum as I developed an infection from the c-section. My son was breastfed for the first 48 hours but my milk never came in so I went to combination and then exclusively bottle feeding.

I was expecting to feel that sudden rush of love when he was born but when I heard his cry for the first time, it surprised me but it didn’t move me. I put that down to the fact I was so exhausted from being induced, labouring unsuccessfully for 14 hours, having 2 failed epidurals and then the c-section.

I was sure the bond would develop. I got more and more sad that it didn’t over the next few months and ended up feeling like a failure despite making sure my son had everything he needed at all times. I was diagnosed with postnatal depression and put on antidepressants.

Well my son is almost 16 months old now as I said and he’s a complete daddy’s boy. In fact anyone apart from me he will toddle over to, ask to be picked up, he will cuddle and play with and is saying his first words - refuses to say mama. But he’ll say daddy and nana among the other random words he knows. I’ve heard him say it before but not directed at me so I know he can say it, just chooses not to.

When I try and hold him he struggles or pushes me away, he won’t come over to me, forget about me trying to cuddle or kiss him, he just gets cross with me and cries.

I feel like he hates me. And I still don’t feel like I have a bond with him. I don’t honestly think he’d care if he never saw me again. He’s never excited to see me, like when I get home from work for example, but others all get smiles and excited noises etc

I’ve told him so many times “mummy loves you” but he’s like 😕. If my husband says it to him he giggles and comes for cuddles or wants to play.

It’s breaking my heart. My husband and I have had our problems and a year into our marriage I was diagnosed with severe mental stress and depression because of what he put me through. Since then I feel like I have a brick wall up around my emotions. I find it very hard, no, impossible to feel anything other than negative emotions like anger (I guess because it can be defensive rather than leave you vulnerable to getting hurt)… even though I KNOW I do love my husband as well as I KNOW I do love my son - I just can’t feel it - that makes sense?

I hate it. I want to be able to feel, like how I used to but I don’t know how. It’s not a voluntary thing, it seems like I just take things like that in my stride now and they don’t effect me.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if maybe my son has picked up on this and that’s why he doesn’t seem to like or love his mum. I don’t know if I’m still depressed after all this time and need some other kind of help or something, I just don’t know.

I guess I just need somewhere to write and get this all out.

Thank you ladies