When Would I heal 😕

So I was with my ex husband for more than a decade ,and it was absolutely horrible he was mentally abusive emotionally abusive and at time physically.. my son was the one who told me it was enough..it took alot in me to leave . I feel like 8 have PTSD when ever someone calls me or messages me I feel like I have to answer fast like I have to stop what I'm doing. Or when I go somewhere I find myself looking at the ground making sure I'm not looking at anyone from the fear .I hate my ex husband I hate everything he did to me I hate that I can't even look at myself in the mirror anymore and realize my worth he took everything away from me sometimes I don't feel like living anymore because all the flashbacks I get 💔 it's like I can't take it anymore I just want to disappear 😔 I don't think 8 have any strength. I look at myself kids and ask myself I can't believe I let you see all this I can't believe I couldn't give u a happy home I just want this pain to end